I've been really depressed lately and can't define it. I am 40 years old and Canadian but married to a Brit and living in England. I love living in England, but hate my job and my marriage is iffy right now. I love my husband but I feel like something is missing. The only thing we do together is drink….mainly at the weekend….my drinking is an issue but I don't think it's the problem. I hate my job….really hate it, but I keep looking for something else and don't get any response. I'm packing seeds in a mindless, thankless place where we are treated like shit. I have two degrees….in English/history and Business – human resource management. I feel wasted and frustrated. My husband has many lovely qualities….but we are beginning to live separate lives because he likes to 'nap' during the day and I like to be out doing things. On top of it all – I lost a baby at 7 months and then another at 9 weeks….and we decided (mutually) not to try again. Good friends of ours have just had a baby and I'm finding it really hard. I want to be happy for them -and am….but I can't help crying anytime anything comes up about them or when I see pictures. I know the choice we made was best for us, but I'm a mess. I feel guilty because I should be ok with this and not jealous…and I don't wish bad things for them – only the best. But I think it should have been me. I wonder if I really ever dealt with the loss….I tend to put on a brave face for others…..
I'm feeling really low and sick of struggling financially….worrying about my marriage….and focusing on what's missing my life. I'm finding it hard to see the positive lately and am tired of the battle. Sometimes I just want to give up.