I've been really depressed lately and can't define it. I am 40 years old and Canadian but married to a Brit and living in England. I love living in England, but hate my job and my marriage is iffy right now. I love my husband but I feel like something is missing. The only thing we do together is drink….mainly at the weekend….my drinking is an issue but I don't think it's the problem. I hate my job….really hate it, but I keep looking for something else and don't get any response. I'm packing seeds in a mindless, thankless place where we are treated like shit. I have two degrees….in English/history and Business – human resource management. I feel wasted and frustrated. My husband has many lovely qualities….but we are beginning to live separate lives because he likes to 'nap' during the day and I like to be out doing things. On top of it all – I lost a baby at 7 months and then another at 9 weeks….and we decided (mutually) not to try again. Good friends of ours have just had a baby and I'm finding it really hard. I want to be happy for them -and am….but I can't help crying anytime anything comes up about them or when I see pictures. I know the choice we made was best for us, but I'm a mess. I feel guilty because I should be ok with this and not jealous…and I don't wish bad things for them – only the best. But I think it should have been me. I wonder if I really ever dealt with the loss….I tend to put on a brave face for others…..
I'm feeling really low and sick of struggling financially….worrying about my marriage….and focusing on what's missing my life. I'm finding it hard to see the positive lately and am tired of the battle. Sometimes I just want to give up.
This is my opinion and my opinion only. They say that when you are ready 2 give up that is when you have the major break thru. This has always been the case 4 me, IDK y. How supportive is your husband with regards to your depressive state? If hes not offering much help, its probably because he doesnt really understand how 2 help. Depression is a very complicated illness and often times our partners are victims as well. Perhaps during one of the days before he takes a nap you can just lay it all out there about how you feel. Im mean just pour your heart out like you did on this blog. Men never really know whats going on and sometimes things need to be spelled out explicitaly for them 2 get it. Im very sorry about the children you loss, I dont know you and I can't imagine the pain you experience from this. Ive never experienced that type of loss but I do know that whether its relationships, career, marriage, or children it is the moment you are ready 2 succumb to the pain that counts the most. I wish u well.