I know it doesn’t help that I hadn’t any sleep last night, either, but this morning I received a call from the person I’m seeing. He’s still away from home and not going to be back until late tonight. . . So, most likely this call from him this morning was the last I’ll hear from him until who-knows-when tomorrow. I answered very . . . not rude, but without emotion. . . He neither has been very emotional sounding. I know it’s only seven where he’s at, but . . . He could have at least, you know, sounded happy to hear from me since this is the first time he had ever gone away for the weekend without being in touch with me all that much. I mean, on Thursday he was all, “oh, I miss you so much already!” And he was being so completely loving that it was a breath of fresh air. Just so much sweeter than he had been in . . . wow, for a long time. . . I really relished it since he doesn’t say loving, sappy stuff much. It made me joyful and I felt loved (which is saying a lot), so . . . why the change? I know that usually girls are infamous for detecting things that aren’t there, and being overly paranoid, but . . . something just feels off. Why didn’t he call me more? (He doesn’t have a cell-phone of his own, but he’s had access.) Or, why didn’t he send me E-mails? Surely he’s checked his mail a couple of times. Why did he sound so strange the other night when he left a message? Why didn’t he send me his flight information like he promised weeks ago?
When I’ve gone away he’s always been very emotional and caring, but . . . now that it is his turn?
I’m going to admit it . . . Because this is probably the only place I will ever be able to say this, but I’m sometimes very insecure over his sister-in-law, and I’ve only met her once for a few minutes. He’s so happy and animated when he talks about her. Oh, [her name] this, [her name] that. She so funny and caring. Once she did this, and this, and that! Oh, and she has such an amazing job. She makes so much money. She’s on YouTube videos for her company! Oh, look at this picture of her and this picture of her garden. . . . Massive sigh. Once he just sent me an E-mail with her name all in capitals, elongated, with a link to one of her video shoots. . . What the heck, man? There’s a difference between being proud and seeming like her number-one fan.
I told him that I hadn’t slept last night, and so now he’s wondering why. I didn’t want to get into it. I didn’t want to tell him that I’m up-set about how I’m feeling since he’s been there, or ask him what was up with the message he left me late last night. I just want him to have a good time. . . But, I feel like I’m just shutting down. I love him, very much, and we’ve been together since 2006, basically, but . . . I’m just tired. They say absence makes the heart grow founder, but apparently in his case it isn’t so. . .
I know that I probably seem like a wreck every time I sign in here and post blogs, but I really don’t let this show in real life. Him and I haven’t had a bad relationship in the sense that I weigh him down with my baggage. I’m usually the “strong” one in the relationship who wears the pants, so-to-speak. . . So I know this isn’t anything like he’s finally gotten to “escape” me and be a free man this weekend. . . But I don’t know what it is. . . I’m just feeling very hollow now. . . Like, why should I even bother?
He finally just sent me an E-mail now. . . . Nope, no-I-love-yous. . . So. Joy. . .
I’m going to give him his space. Not that I’ve had any choice this weekend (because, one again, he doesn’t even have a friggin cell-phone). Maybe he’ll . . . come around? Maybe realize why I’m up-set? Who knows. . . What does it matter. . .
I feel worried that he’s telling his brother and sister-in-law all about my not sleeping and my lack of emotion this weekend, which in turn makes me think they’re going to some-how say that things don’t seem to be working out for us. . . I’m not being paranoid. This I know for a fact because he loooooves to tell everyone personal matters of mine or between the two of us. . .
And what was the first thing he said to me on the phone? . . . We all know it wasn’t that he loved me, and neither did he ask how I was or how my weekend was, so. . . Guess what? He said . . . *drum-roll* "Did you register for classes?"
He knows me better than that. . . What does he expect? For me to say, "no, I didn’t, I’m completely messing-up my college future! Yay for me!"
. . . Bleep it.