I have been disabled since late 2005…unable to participate in many areas of my life..Forced on the sidelines of my life and those of my friends and family.. tryin to survive on less than half of my "working" wages..Unable to keep my apartment.. I looked for a place to live..I couldnt afford my own place..The only family willing to help was my uncle.. Ive now been living his unfinished basement for 6 years..with no normal room with normal functions..no stove/oven/kitchen my uncle is eccentric and hates cooking smells and refuses to change his home.. so much so that my life is still stacked in boxes against the wall..yet to be opened.. Such a frustrating level of limbo to be stuck in.. My first improvement in my chronic disabling injury was a spine jarring snap/crack heard from 13 feet away.. FINALLY I was back..I could move normally..I could stand, could walk, spasms stopped..migraine finally went away. I went out walking, visiting friends/family, even out dancing a few times.. It was amazing!! I went to physical therapy to help me recover and learn what I needed to do to get better.. Instead I got re-injured/further injured.. back to limbo..full depression, anxiety, displacement disorder…I dont know where to turn.. All relationships/connections frayed or tore away years ago.. I am void of much emotion/laughter/connections/humor/hope..I am left with hostility,anger, frustation.. feeling very lost..Where do you start when you realize that you only resemble who you were? Same face but much different heart and mind.. How do you sit down to do a puzzle.. when you know that important pieces are missing? When you know that the picture will never be complete? This is how I feel..This is where I am..I need to begin again..But how? Where do I start? Any advice or encouragment would be appreciated.. Peace out

1 Comment
  1. BlueLeather 11 years ago

    Thank you for your advice.. I will definitely try that.. Just having a hard time trying to recreate myself at age 39.. All those years defined me.. made me who I was.. You know what I mean? Its so very strange/alien to feel such a dis-connect with all those around me..I used to be a happy, loving, capable, hardworking involved person.. I had wonderful connections with everyone I knew.. I could read them and could be whatever they needed me to be.. All without even trying..All interractions were very easy for me…

    Now I rarely leave the house, don't wanna talk with anyone and find myself with nothing to say.. Time with family or friends only reminds me of who I am not anymore.. I just dont fit in..

    I liken it to how someone awakening from a coma must feel.. Everything has continued on.. changed around them.. lives have continued.. new lives introduced.. some lives ending….all without their involvement..or participation..

    Can you imagine how many things you would have missed if you were unable to participate for the past 6 years? It saddens me, all things I cannot reclaim..  

    I do like the idea of a fresh canvas..I can start from scratch..set defining lines. shading in as I go.. Thank you for your perspective Peace out

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