Tonight the OCD returned as it often does when I am at work. The problem? I see the unhealthy life of a co-worker and I think that could happen to me despite the fact that it is impossible.  I don’t know how to feel about this. I can’t stop thinking about an unhealthy life when I am around this one individual and I know that it is something I shouldn’t do. The unhealthy life of others also causes the fear to return.   
 
I know that OCD is fear with no power. I have lived with it for almost seven years and it has never come true despite what it tells me. I remind myself of this and still I can’t shake the obsession. I want to be free of it so I can live my life without thinking about the fears in the back of my mind. I can’t interact with some people because of it. I also see it affecting other areas of my life which it never did before. I talked about seeing help about it but I haven’t done it yet. I will try to do it this year if I can afford the cost of such medical help.
 
What goes through my mind when these fears strike? I wrote earlier saying that I would keep a journal of what caused my fears and how it affected me. I noticed tonight that the OCD forces me to walk in a certain way and touch things around me in a way that will help ease the fears inside of me. This isn’t new, but it has become a problem that I am focusing more on. Driving around parking lots, walking down the sidewalk, etc., has become difficult at times because OCD tells me that I can’t do certain things. I can’t park in a certain spot and I can’t walk in a certain way. As I have said before, even writing some words is something I can’t do because of the fears in my head.
 
I don’t pretend to have the answers even though I know that OCD can be defeated. In the end, I have learned to challenge it to the point where I can function. It also isn’t a problem when I am around someone which is reason to hope for me. My fiancée will come from India and her presence will help end the OCD to the point where I can at least have someone to remind me how false the fears are. 
 
Thankfully, I have built relationships on this site that has helped make up for her not being with me. OCD is something that can only be overcome with the help of others.
 

 

2 Comments
  1. ancientgeekcrone 15 years ago

    My friend maybe I have said this all before, if I have I will repeat my self.  Are you able at your workplace or if not when you get home to write about the irrational fear or the intrusive though to the degree that you can difuse its impact.  When the negative energy subsides replace with thoughts of how you want the world to ne for you.that is inject positive energy into your life or replace the negative thought with positive ones,  However way, you wish to interpert it.  Be well

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  2. robby 15 years ago

    Hi.  I have read some of your previous blogs and it appears you have a good attitude and perspective about your ocd (and ocd in general).  However, I can agree and disagree with some of the things you wrote above.  I agree that having support from others (both with and without ocd) can be beneficial in your overall effort to overcome your ocd.  But, I think you need to be careful when you say it will be good when your fiancee comes from India and reminds you of the false fears of ocd.  Sure, they are absolutely false – we all know that deep down – but YOU have to know this wholeheartedly, you have to be the one to control the FEELINGS that seem so real and you are the one that must continuously practice the resistance and mocking of ocd which is at the core of recovery.  I am sure you already understood this and were just indicating that your fiancee will be there for moral support but be careful you don’t use her for reassurance.  That will be of little use and more likely make the ocd worse.  Sorry if I have stated the obvious to you.  Best.  Rob

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