So, I’m finally seeing a good therapist but in the last couple of times that I’ve seen him, I’ve had a really hard time being honest with him. When I started seeing him, I started keeping a small notebook on me to write down the dark thoughts I get at work or when I’m out and about, that way I would remember them when I went to see him. However, I haven’t been showing it to him or reading anything from it. My biggest and most dangerous issue is that I can’t tell people when I need help and I DEFINITELY can’t tell them that I’m thinking about suicide multiple times a day or that I’ve been looking for discreet ways to harm myself when I’m at work. I feel like I’m in the way or that I complicate things. Who on earth would want someone as broken as I am in their lives? I know rationally that my loved ones would rather visit me in the hospital than have to visit me at a cemetery, but I’m just so scared. I tried to force myself to tell my boyfriend about those dark thoughts yesterday and no matter how hard I tried and now matter how much I beat around the bush, I couldn’t make myself say them out loud. It was like the words got stuck in my throat. I ended up letting him read my notebook and he was so glad that I did. He stayed calm and logical. He wants me to be completely honest with my therapist this Friday and at first, I was [fearfully] on board but now I’m not so sure… Not this weekend, but next weekend, my best friend and I are going on a mini girls’ weekend road trip and we’ve been looking forward to it all summer. I still want to go, but I’m afraid if I tell my therapist what I’m feeling, he’s going to want my to go to the hospital. Once when I told my old psychiatrist about these kind of feelings when they were getting bad like that, that’s exactly what he wanted me to do. What if I don’t get out in time for our trip? What would my work think of me missing so much? I just had the stomach flu last week and had to miss a day for that. I’m supposed to set an example in our company. I just don’t know if I can be honest now. There are so many people I don’t want to let down and there are things I don’t want to miss out on. Maybe I can keep it together until my next appointment. I wish I could just talk to my mom about this, but my Grandma is in the hospital right now. My mom so does not need my nonsense. My family is always struggling, there’s never a convenient time to talk about depression.