So, I’m finally seeing a good therapist but in the last couple of times that I’ve seen him, I’ve had a really hard time being honest with him. When I started seeing him, I started keeping a small notebook on me to write down the dark thoughts I get at work or when I’m out and about, that way I would remember them when I went to see him. However, I haven’t been showing it to him or reading anything from it. My biggest and most dangerous issue is that I can’t tell people when I need help and I DEFINITELY can’t tell them that I’m thinking about suicide multiple times a day or that I’ve been looking for discreet ways to harm myself when I’m at work. I feel like I’m in the way or that I complicate things. Who on earth would want someone as broken as I am in their lives? I know rationally that my loved ones would rather visit me in the hospital than have to visit me at a cemetery, but I’m just so scared. I tried to force myself to tell my boyfriend about those dark thoughts yesterday and no matter how hard I tried and now matter how much I beat around the bush, I couldn’t make myself say them out loud. It was like the words got stuck in my throat. I ended up letting him read my notebook and he was so glad that I did. He stayed calm and logical. He wants me to be completely honest with my therapist this Friday and at first, I was [fearfully] on board but now I’m not so sure… Not this weekend, but next weekend, my best friend and I are going on a mini girls’ weekend road trip and we’ve been looking forward to it all summer. I still want to go, but I’m afraid if I tell my therapist what I’m feeling, he’s going to want my to go to the hospital. Once when I told my old psychiatrist about these kind of feelings when they were getting bad like that, that’s exactly what he wanted me to do. What if I don’t get out in time for our trip? What would my work think of me missing so much? I just had the stomach flu last week and had to miss a day for that. I’m supposed to set an example in our company. I just don’t know if I can be honest now. There are so many people I don’t want to let down and there are things I don’t want to miss out on. Maybe I can keep it together until my next appointment. I wish I could just talk to my mom about this, but my Grandma is in the hospital right now. My mom so does not need my nonsense. My family is always struggling, there’s never a convenient time to talk about depression.

2 Comments
  1. bridgie101 4 years ago

    1. You can ALWAYS tell mum your problems. Unless she’s an idiot and you don’t respect her opinion of course – but it doesn’t matter how many other things are in her life, she ALWAYS has room for her baby. You’ll be her baby till you die. That’s the dealio.

    2. Tell the shrink. I’m hearing some really hefty hunks of practicality in what you’re saying. You’re NOT off the planet. If you tell the shrink it’ll offload some of it. Speaking is really amazing for that. Tell the shrink, and tell the shrink your fears of being hospitalised which is really inconvenient right now. Tell the shrink you want to see how talking about it will change the way you feel, and you’ve got a lot on so you really can’t disrupt your life here.

    I was suicidal for quite some time. Absolute basket case. I didn’t do any time in hospital because I was adamant I couldn’t lose a day of work, I’d not be able to pay for my daughter. Absolute bottom line: no time off work, mental health had to fit in the edges.

    And it was fine. the counsellor totally saw the logic. And when they see logic they know you haven’t totally lost the plot. That only half or 3/4 of you has lost the plot, and the other 1/4 is leaning all her weight against it on a leash. 😀

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  2. elf 4 years ago

    First off, your issues are not nonsense. They are real and difficult. No matter what anyone says.

    I know there is never a convenient time to talk about depression. I really understand not being able to ‘bother’ your mom right now. I have felt the same way. Maybe just share a little and see how she responds. My mom is in her own depression because of my Dad’s death. But she still encourages me if she can. I usually just say”I’m not doing well.” Her response dictates how much more I share.

    I totally understand the fear of not getting out in time, or just not having time for the hospital. I really ought to go to group therapy right now, but I have no time for that type of commitment. You could tell your therapist what’s going on in your head and promise you wil not act on those thoughts. Is this upcoming weekend enough to ensure you won’t harm yourself? If it is, share that. Will you still go if the thoughts get even darker? Make a pact with yourself that if you get so bad that you back out of the weekend that you will go to the hospital. Then, plan on having a good time. Let this girls getaway be a positive to dwell on before, something to enjoy in the moment and a thing to reflect on once it has passed.

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