Hello…
It's been a while since I've been on here… I've only written one blog post. But I've been seriously struggling lately and my mom's advice was to come back on here and talk about it.
So here I go…
I seriously think that I am going insane. Or psycho. Or both.
About a year and a half to two years ago I went to the hospital and stayed in the adolescent psyche ward for a week where a psychiatrist evaluated me and said I had OCD. I also had about 8 sessions with a psychologist afterwards and took medicine and all that.
I have the kind of OCD that is purely obsessive – just by looking at me you can't tell that I have it. Constantly, like 24/7, I have these thoughts in my head that are violent and brutal, usually about killing people / living things.
Here is my #1 problem – I don't think I have OCD. I think I'm just crazy or a psychopath.
I have always been a weirdo from day one, and I knew I was different in a bad way, even when I was a kid. At a young age I would have these thoughts on occasion but now they are constant and I feel like I'm losing / have lost my mind.
I have always suffered from anxiety, but that skyrocketed in grade 6 after I thought I'd killed people. This is what happened. After one of the first few days of middle school, I was getting on the public transit bus to go home. I was putting my coat on as I got up the bus, and while I was putting my right arm through the right sleeve, I knocked the driver's rear-view mirror a little. I said, "oops", but was too shy and scared to say anything else. So I watched the mirror for the entire trip, and the bus driver, and everything seemed okay. After all, we hadn't crashed. And so I got off the bus and went home, and that evening on the news I saw that three people had been killed in a bus crash near where I live. Now that I have learned to drive, I know that the driver could have easily readjusted the mirror (and with the amount of force I accidentally hit it, it probably didn't move very far at all), and if it had been a big problem, we probably would have crashed while I was on that bus. But at the time I didn't know it, and I seriously thought I was the reason those people had died. I went insane… I cried a lot and so much guilt ate away at me, it basically destroyed me. I think that's what started a good portion of this. I told my friend about this over a year later and she just laughed at me saying it was ridiculous, and I felt better.
I remember when I was in grade 6 I had one of the first bad thoughts that I can easily recall – after the "bus incident". I was on a field trip with my class and one of my best friends, and we went to go see a play in a theatre. Upon climbing many stairs and reaching the platform, I had this sudden urge to push her over the railing. I did feel like I was going to do it but of course I didn't and afterwards I felt so bad, I kept asking her if she was okay as if I had really done it. Another time – also in grade 6 – my other two best friends were over, and we were in my basement, watching a movie I think. I wanted to show them how long my belt was (because it was like 3 meters long or something and it was cool), so I took it off, and then I had this really strong urge to strangle them with it. I didn't do it, but I was so freaked out afterwards – I was convinced I was crazy.
A few years passed and I was doing okay but then it started to get bad and more constant. And then, a year and a half ago, I had another experience kind of like those. I went to the grocery store with my then-boyfriend and my mom after school and when we were picking some fruits I was holding a plastic bag for the fruit to go in. To open the bag I grabbed a hold of the opening and started swooshing it in the air like a net to let the air open it. But then the urge to put the bag over his head filled my mind and I started moving the bag upwards while swishing it as if to put it over his head. I recall at the time not really feeling any emotions while I was doing this – I just simply felt crazy. And then he said, "What, are you gonna strangle me?" and then he laughed. This awful, awful feeling came over me and I immediately stopped and I tried to act like nothing was wrong while we continued shopping but I really felt like I had gone insane and was so upset at what had just happened.
Over the course of a few days after that I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep, I cried a lot, I felt like I was losing my mind, I had this incredible weight of guilt on my shoulders, and I was contemplating kiling myself. I was tied up in the question – if he hadn't have said anything, would I have done it? Or would I have stopped myself? I told my mom because I couldn't take it anymore and then I spoke to the guidance councellor at my school, who strongly recommended I go to the hospital. So I did.
But nothing has helped me.
Since then, these thoughts and urges have constantly bombarded my mind and I feel like I've become someone else. I used to like animals when I was little and I only wanted to hang around my friends. Now I'm starting to think I dislike animals despite owning pets and I'm a total recluse. I dislike hanging out with anyone/anything because I only feel somewhat normal when I'm completely and utterly alone – like right now.
I know I used to have some kind of emotion when I was a child. Now I don't feel like I have many if any at all. I really feel like I'm losing it when I'm near anyone because the urge to do something horribly violent with anything (even a freaking pencil or an eraser) is so strong. And when I'm thinking about it I actually feel like I am considering it and I don't feel horrified anymore… I just feel panic and psychoticness.
What also makes me think I am crazy is the fact that the medication (Prozac) they put me on didn't do shit except give me headaches. I was on it for months (longer than it should have taken to kick in, so I know that can't be the reason why I didn't feel any different) and now I'm on a less-strong medicine that doesn't require any perscription to buy. I know psychopaths are not affected by mind-altering drugs. So if I have OCD why didn't I feel any different?
My thoughts as of late have been extremely maddening. I know people with the kind of OCD I'm supposed to have usually only think these thoughts about people they love. I think about it all the time with anybody, even people I don't know. For example, pushing people in front of a subway train. Or purposefully crashing my car into other cars or pedestrians or bicyclists. (I recently have been forced to do a lot of driving to pass my road test, which I did. Since then I've refused to drive.) I can't even come close to my dog or cat anymore without getting some kind of violent urge. I stay away from my family members and friends for the same reasons.
I recall a random internet blog that my friend showed me years ago, before my problems were this bad. This person was having the exact same problem as me – thinking about killing anyone and anything in any way possible. A lot of their comments told the person to go kill him/herself before he did anything bad. I also can't get this out of my head. Are they right? Is that what I should do?
I think even my psychologist was starting to think along the same lines as me. During my second-last meeting with him (which was a long time ago now), I remember him saying "maybe you should go back to the hospital and get a re-evaluation." That line has been repeating in my head over and over again. The last meeting, he said he was glad to see me looking happier. The only reason I looked happier was because I had stopped caring, because I knew nothing was going to help me.
Even some of my dreams now are based on my awful thoughts – if I have any dream at all. I used to be a frequent dreamer but now it's pretty rare. I'm always struggling with this but it's gotten even worse again in the past two or three weeks. Sleeping sucks now because I can't escape myself even in my dreams anymore, and I've lost a good portion of my appetite. I keep crying all the time and I constantly feel so fucking depressed. I just want to die because I feel like I've lost myself.
I don't know what else to do. Nothing has helped me. I start university classes soon (in about two weeks), I'm going for a job mass interview soon, and I'm also going on a trip to BC in a week. I don't feel like I can handle any of this.
This blog was hard to type out as it's really the epitome of my problems. Is it just me suffering like this?
To be honest, I am scared of submitting this blog because I know this isn't normal and I'm scared of what people will think of me. But I'm going to post it anyways, because I know it needs to be done.
I notice you don't say you do any rituals. That is an indication you have what's called "Pure-O". Pure-O people have these thoughts all the time, like a racing feeling, but don't do any compulsive behaviors to make them go away. Prozac will never help OCD, and it's a shame they ever put you on it. You should be on something like Anafranil. OCD is often triggered by an event which is awful, like the bus accident. True, it was not your fault, but you didn't know that at that time.
You sound so much like me when I was your age, except I do everything in 3's to make it go away. I actually did try to strangle a classmate when I was in 5th grade. I didn't feel anything when I was doing it, like I was in someone else's body doing this thing. I don't know why I stopped, and I acted like I was just fooling around. But she told the principal anyway, and I got in trouble for it. Funny, back then, that they never made me seek any help. And I've never told anyone about that incident, even though I've been in therapy now for 2 years. One of my biggest issues is not telling. I never told anyone I was molested until I was 25. I never told anyone I was raped until I was almost 40. That is what a lifetime of no treatment can do to you. My best advice is to get help now! See a therapist as often as you can, and tell them everything. They can't help you if they don't know what's going on inside your head.
I guess the best comfort I can give you is this – you are not alone. Everyone on this board has similar problems, and some have exactly the same problems as you. That is why we are here. When we realize that others are going through or have gone through the exact same problems as we have, it is a comfort. No, we are not normal. But what is normal? We look at others and think they have it so good, but we don't really know what goes on inside their heads or behind the doors of their home.
I wish you all the best. You can write to me anytime, and I will gladly talk to you. I will talk to your mom too, if you want, to let her know what she needs to look out for and how to help you with your OCD.
Hello…glad you came here. I don't have these specific obsessions but I have heard many people on here talk and many of them do. I agree, it sounds like you have Pure O…and Prozac is probably the wrong thing for OCD. I think they used to use that early on as a catch all for anxiety and even hormonal problems….there have been a lot of advances in research, etc since then. Now they have much better medication. Unfortunately we still sometimes run into docs that are uneducated or behind on the information and try to help us with outdated therapies/medication. But that is why the Tribe is so helpful – OCD Foundation too. You can find more current advice and information here and invaluable support. Hang in there! Killing yourself is not the solution. This is a disorder – not you. I know it feels like you, but it isn't.
I want to mention a couple other things…
1. Sometimes it takes trying a few different meds before you find one that works for you. Don't get discouraged with this…it's just a trial and error process sometimes b/c we all have different body chemistries, etc. But Prozac I don't think is right in any scenario.
2. Try other coping mechanisms…positive ones. It sounds like you are really bogged down with this right now and might need some other help to get you past the worse of it. A therapist is a good start, as is the Tribe….but try some other things too…I have found yoga helpful, some people find general exercise helpful….you need a distraction and some form of positive release.
3. Finally, (and this is not OCD advice, just general life advice but might help anyway)…try to eliminate negative things in your life. Anything that is dark, depressing, or brings up images of death/destruction/violence. For example, don't watch violent or horror movies. Avoid violent, angry music, etc. Try to surround yourself with positive input as much as possible. You do not want to fuel the fire. A Bible verse that I heard yesterday is good I think…..good for me, hopefully for you too….
"Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things." Philippians 4:8 NIV
I think your ocd is bad enough for a return trip to the psychiatrist. Apparently you did not realise that ocd is a recurring illness that can be triggered by stress, say like the stress of the body going through changes and growth spurts. It is normal for people who have ocd to have recurring obsessions and compulsions. You may need therapy and medication.
I can relate to much of what you're saying. I don't think you're crazy, you just have ocd. The other comments people have posted are true. Don't be afraid to go back to the doctor and treat it like an interview–for them. Try out different docs until you find one that you think can understand you and cares enough to help. Also, strategies such as replacing "ugly" thoughts with "pretty" ones takes practice before you can really work it. DON'T give up, and DON'T think you are crazy–the chemical imbalance in the brain is real, the thoughts and feelings are not.
I can relate to what you are going through, especially the lack of emotion and empathy. I've had occasional violent urges like wondering what killing someone would feel like…..
most importantly don't hesitate about sharing your thoughts with others. NO ONE thinks that your 'crazy' or 'wierd' because we are suffering from OCD too.
my best advice to you is HANG IN THERE!!! things will get better 😀