I've just been doing some late night research in to my depression, and it seems that after a few self-assessments that i have Manic depression, a subtype of depression that is linked to Bi polar, so im going to try and put it into context.
I genuinely thought that for the first time in my life i was happy, i mean i know im happy in the sense i have a woman by my side everystep of the way, but it seems like im back to square one mentally, Bi polar? who would have thought it aye.
I'm scared of the unknown that it brings along with it, i don't know whether or not i can get help, obviously there is help out there for people like myself, but what if it doesn't cure me, or what if it is just a temporary fix that will just postpone the hurt that the depression brings with it?
I'm scared of losing people close to me, a lot of people can't handle this kind of situation, i can because ive experienced it for a while without actually knowing what it was- but now theres an actual label on my ilness it makes it seem real- and if its real then it can hurt you- and i don't want to be hurt.
I called the NHS helpline for the first time in my life for something other than a broken bone, and it was terrifying- answering some of the questions made me feel sick, whats wrong with me? why can't i just be okay? it's awful but i suppose this is the card ive been dealt by the powers above.
They've arranged for me to see a doctor and go from there, but i don't want them to tell me i need fixing, i don't want them to tell me ill be fine after a course of medication, i wan't them to tell me i'm okay- as for every passing day i'm a day closer to doing something stupid, no matter how much i tell myself i wouldn't hurt myself, i still think i never would but if im unstable as i think then i never know whats around the corner.
hopefully it will all go smooth, maybe a therapy session would do me good, speaking to some random person with a notepad may make things easier, but i've just got to stop being so selfish all the time, talking about my problems 24/7 becomes repetitive and tiring for all invovled, and im scared that it could push people away, i want to help others as it makes me feel worthwhile and forget my problems. I'm scared that im not the person i always thought i was, i'm scared that as time goes by ill be labelled a failure in society.
Over and out xx