waking up alone to my cat driving me nuts. i'm sick of having to go to my pointless job everyday and see happy people live their lives, when i don't even have one. i mean ya know man i'm grateful i'm not dead? i know there are people out there who wanted to live, but have died….to this disease…ya know the ones who never found help, who never knew there was hope. but i have…i have been to rehab about 6 times and have been going to meetings for 2 years, i know there is hope. it just doesn't seem to work with me man. i have been doing step work and going to meetings, i call my sponser… but none of it seems to work. for like a fucking year now i have been trying so hard to stay happy, to stay in the meetings and trying to stay clean. it's not getting better though. i know it's probably not getting better because i keep getting high, and i know that i keep getting high because i'm an addict….and i also know that i don't know everything. lol i know that =) but i'm so sad. i have to be at work in like an hour and i have to be there all day, instead of enjoying the sunshiney day, which i guess is good because work keeps me out of trouble kinda. then i'm going to a meeting right after work. i don't have any friends. but i wont hang out with anyone ya know, i'm picky. i got these guys who keep wanting me to come chill or talk, whatever. fuck that i know what they want….it sucks. i'm so depressed. i layed on my floor the other night because literally i seriously could already feel a needle in my arm. i was even itching. i called some1 in the program who i've known for quite a long time now….it helped. but like yesterday i got off work at 7 and all the meetings were already started and to far for me to walk so i was alone allll night. and even the night before i was alone all night. it's not fun. i'd rather be fucking high sitting here alone because at least then my dope would be my best friend again. i just miss my best friend. it's so terrible, i know. i know how fucking horrible active addiction is and the things i would do, and jail sux, rehab was kind of cool, but i'm beginning to wonder if i should just start using again and never think of the bad times and just have hope that it'll kill my ass. my