You would think that 5 years doesn’t seem like a long time but in truth it isnt but it is alot if time to make memories. Which is what is happening for me lately. The thoughts of Max and I keep coming back. I know I don’t regret leaving but that doesn’t mean I didn’t love him all the way to the end. Even now after I have moments in my head of what we use to be. I remember so much of the good times we had. I also remember all the times i over reacted. Truth is remember almost every moment like an old song.

I wish I could go back. Love a little longer. Lay in bed and smile at each other again. Watch him sleep and hear a him stretch again. See his soft lazy smile. Hear him say “Good morning Ms.Lily” his nickname for me.

I left him. I saw how sad and depressed he was. The more I look back at everyone I was with I feel like I sucked the light out of them. Then when I do that and they find someone after me they find the one. I dont know I feel like the reason most of the relationships I don’t work out is because of me. I know it isnt true.. But sometimes the only common denominator is me.

Me and the fact that i have a hard time being honest with people who I don’t want to lose. I wonder if he thinks about me. I wonder if he has to hide the feelings like I do.. different things remind me of him. I wonder if the bad out ways the good.

All i know is I never felt comfortable with anyone but him and he wondered how that was so possible as if it was truly impossible.

I hope the woman he is dating now isnt like me. I hope she makes him laugh and comfort more than I ever could. I hope she supports him and inspires him. I hope shes sweet to him on his hard days. I hope the celebrate holidays together and his smile comes back. I hope when they are laying next to each other at night he holds her feel alot less empty. I hope he loves her more then me… so he can forget about me.. because I don’t know If i could forget him.