You know how when you meet a nice guy and you start dating deep inside you can’t help hoping that he’ll be THE ONE? Love of your life, the father of your children? But then you break up and it feels like the end of the world. But then you meet another guy and the story repeats. And then anoter, and another, and another…And every time you think he’s so special,you try to fix yourself so he could love you, you try to improve this relationship, try to understand him,make him happy. But it’s never quite enough. And it doesn’t work out.
I feel like I’m too old now to meet my prince. I feel like I’m done. I don’t think that I should stop trying but maybe that’s just not for everyone? I mean marrige and all that. I still want it but maybe not all people are supposed to make couples for a lifetime and families? Maybe not all women are supposed to be mums and wives? Maybe I should just try to find a way to be happy right here now with what I am and what I have?
I want someone just to find me good enough the way I am. I’m not a monster, I’m actually fine. Maybe I want too much and just choose the wrong men? Maybe they are too good for me and I shoud just lower the bar? But you know, the guys that I was dating, they weren’t like very rich or very handsome or smart, oe super hot or fun. They were just ok, just like me. So, no. I can’t just be with anyone who picks me, right?I don’t want to have it all random and messed up with some asshole or some guy that I don’t really like just because I MUST have it and have no patience or self respect at all.
I don’t know, I think I better stop thinking about all that for a while and focus more on myself, my health,my work,my finances, do something fun. Just live a life without making romantic relationships a priority. Because every time I do it it all falls apart and I’m called needy and difficult because I want too much too fast. It’s just all those strategies I used before, they were useless. Maybe if I stop chasing men and just become happy, confident and independent they’ll be more interested in me? But for girls it doesn’t always work this way. The older you are the harder it is to make men interested. I know. But anyway, if that won’t work maybe at least I’ll become happier, stronger and smarter and then I won’t need a man in my life so much.I could be fine on my own, I guess. I think I kind of want to stop thinking that some Man can be my DESTINY. I should just accept the fact that there may not be the one and only for me. Just some men to spend a good time with, to take something from them,to learn something, to give some love and then to move on. Maybe this philosophy would fit me more? Would make my life less painful and depressive?
But I look at all those happy couples and families and they make me feel envious. Maybe I could somehow just be happy for them? After all it’s not their fault that I don’t have it like that.
Some married people though are kind of agressive sometimes and like to blame it all on you. Like if you’re alone then something must be really wrong with you or you just don’t try hard enough. And they want to convince you that you life is empty without a husband and kids, that you are not a woman that deserves respect if you don’t have children,that you are worthless. They tell you that you never knew and will never know what love is because you never held your baby in your hands. Family is the most important thing in life and nothing else really matters. And they tell you that no man ever loved you because no one married you. Like that means nobody chose you, nobody ever loved you. And they start to give you advice you didn’t ask for about how you should behave, dress, talk, think in order to fix your life because it’s obviously broken. Like they know better because they are smarter, because they have children and all that. It can be really horrible sometimes. And such people I just simply hate and have no shame about it. And all those movies and books that also promote these ideas I hate too.
You can have a meaningful happy life with love and everything by just loving you parents,siblings, friends, and other people, enjoying your job or someting. But it’s kind of hard when your parents and friends also start to tell you that the only thing that is missing in your happy life is a good maaaaaaaan. And they begin to ask you when, when will you finally settle down? And every guy you introduce to you mum or just tell her about she starts to consider as her future son-in-law. That’ super super annoying and makes me sad. But I try to explain them it all and now I feel like they understand me better and it all’s getting better now.
I mean of course it’s great if you have a husband and children but stop treating me like I’m sick because I don’t.
If I’m not married yet it doesn’t mean that no one would ever marry me. I think there are men who would be happy to have me, and there are men that I would be happy to have. But those are just not the same men. That’s it. Haven’t found a match yet. Maybe I will in the future. Maybe I won’t. I don’t know.