That's the best way that I can describe this right now. It's absolute total ANGUISH. And it's not me. You know something's not right when, even through the depression, you're telling yourself "Stop being stupid. There's no reason for you to be thinking the way you're thinking right now. You're making a big deal out of nothing"–and you STILL can't stop thinking those horrible thoughts!!

I woke up this morning and I just started thinking. It started with the fact that Boyfriend didn't text me "goodnight" last night and didn't text me at all this morning. I don't know how I got here, but then I started thinking, "Well…who IS he texting?" Which got me thinking that he's probably texting this one "friend" (girl) of his who he texts quite a bit. And then I started imagining up this horrendous scenario how he went to the movies with this girl friend of his….well, let's just say it got very detailed and graphic in my head. First of all, I know this whole scenario was exaggerated and imagined up and just STUPID. But…I couldn't stop the thoughts from coming! At all! When I get into this state, there seems to be absolutely nothing that me or anybody else can say to get me out. Secondly, the biggest reason why this whole imagined up scenario was stupid to begin with–Boyfriend isn't even in the state right now. He's away for two weeks for army drills. So…I really know I'm being ridiculous.
But, like I said, I can't help it when I start thinking. There's nothing that can be done to stop the thinking. It's complete and total anguish. It's a feeling that consumes my entire mind and soul. I can't seem to concentrate on anything. Schoolwork, errands for the day, nothing. I get so angry and anxious I just want to scream. I want to break shit. I want to hit something. I want to tear something up. As horrible as it may sound, I'm starting to relate to cutters. It might not be for attention. It might not be as an intention to off themselves. I think it really is a silent way to release the pain they feel on the inside. In order not to create a scene by throwing dishes at the wall or yelling or crying–they cut. I get it. Let me be clear:I have not cut myself. But I'm really starting to see why these people do. They seem significantly less crazy now. Or maybe they're still crazy–I just am too, now.
One of the most frustrating things is knowing that I have nothing to be depressed about. My family is awesome and supportive. My boyfriend is pretty awesome and is trying his best to deal with me right now (just kind of wish he succeeded a little more). I'm going to school, following my dream, and getting awesome grades. I'm broke, but–going back to my parents are awesome–they help me out whenever I need it. So why am I depressed? Could very well be the birth control that I'm taking now. But I feel like that's not enough of an excuse. It's just so frustrating.
3 Comments
  1. yirah 9 years ago

     Let me just say that there doesn't even have to be anything wrong for you to feel depressed. It can just happen to anyone. You're not crazy, okay? But depression is something that you shouldn't ignore. If you think it's your pills, you ought to ask a doctor. Being depressed is common. We on here are here for you if you ever need someone to talk to. 

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  2. rilela1991 9 years ago

     Yirah is right , it's ok to feel this, sometimes I feel like that too. If it gets out of control then you might need to get some help. This ca't be ignored and maybe if you get help it could help you cope with your sudden spikes of depression.

     I wish you so much luck and don't let those thoughts get to you. ^_^

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  3. Classic_Reader 9 years ago

    Yirah and rilela are both right. You don't have to have a reason to be depressed. I hope you get any help or support that you need – and there is no shame in that.

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