I keep looking, searching for that something. That something that one day will make my life seem complete, or even real.

Some people find that in god or a "higher power". I don’t know if I believe in a higher power. If there is someone or something that is looking over us, or does things that influence us what controll do we have on our lives? Theres another question.. do I diserve the power over my life? I mean look at where I am! I’m obviously not the best person to be controlling my life. Maybe I need to become a born again christian or something. Would that change everything? I guess we’ll never know. as Robert Langdon said in "Angels And Demons" – "Faith is a gift I am yet to recieve". That rings so true to me. Faith is such a personal thing. Unique even. I think those people who have found thier faith are very lucky.

I remember when I was in kindergarden, so i was like 5ish, and we were doing work around dinosaurs. As a class we made this giant pterodactyl. It was huge. Well it seemed huge to me. When we had finished the subject the teacher asked if anyone would like to take this large cardboard dinosaur home. I was the first to put my hand up. Mum wasn’t impressed. I kept this giant cardboard bird like thing in my room for years. I played with it. I loved it. Then one day it mum threw it out. She said I was too old for it. I cried. I guess it comes down to the old saying "one mans trash is another mans treasure". I don’t know what got me thinking about that.

When I was about 10 I remember playing with my best friends cousin. He was about 20 at this time. (this guy ended up commiting suicide when he was like 27 or something, jumped of a bridge). I remember we were just mucking around wrestling on the couch. Somehow in the horseplay I ended up laying on top of him. I remember suddenly feeling something hitting into my stomach. He asked me if he knew what that hitting me was. I told him I didn’t know.. I was too young to really know anything about sex, and at that age sex ed was something really not done. I didn’t know about puberty or anything like that. I remember him rubbing his hands over my back, my bum, and sliding his hand down my pants. I remember being very scared.. to scared to say anything or run away. He said that he liked me very much, and if I would like to have him touch me. I remember not being able to say anything. He  started to move his hands more in my pants and then someone came home. He jumped up and walked out the room. I remember being left there very confused. I didn’t understand anything. I wonder if he ever thought about that day. I think about that day alot. I wonder what would have happened if someone hadn’t come home? I guess i’m lucky.

There must have been something about me when I was younger that just screamed sex. I remember once in primary school a boy making me touch his penis. I remember this one time my cousin wanting to put his penis in me "like they do in the movies". We were only young, like 7 or so. That was a confusing night. He did actualy do it too. He was a little older than me. I didn’t like what he was doing. I was too scared to say anything. Then there is my best friends brother who tried to have sex with me while his sister was in the same bed. I was about 13 then. He touched me when he thought I was asleep too.  Then there is my dad. Too many memories there. Like I said there must have been something about me as a little girl that just screamed sex. There are just somethings that I can’t forget. I don’t understand.

I’ve always been a shy girl. Even from a young age. I have always been timid too. Just too scared to say anything or do anything. Just let people do what they want to me and never say anything about it. I feel like I must have done something wrong, like i said something or did something that made these things happen. I must have. I just wish I knew what it was.

I’m not sure what got me thinking about these experiences. I have never spoken at all about a couple of them. I guess as we get older things come into perspective, and we realise what didn’t seem bad or wrong (as we don’t know whats wrong and right when we are so young), is so very wrong. If I could change anything, I would start all over and be a strong girl, and not let this crap happen to me, I guess thats hidsight for you.

I feel stupid for saying it now actually.


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