tuesday, may eighth, twenty-twelve.
The bible says that god will never give you more than you can handle, but sometimes I think that I can't handle as much as God thinks I can. I mean, life is fine. Great, even. I have a loving boyfriend, frends who care for me, parents who love me, and more. How is it that I am still so unhappy? Sometimes it seems like I'm happy, but I'm really not.
And I'm tired of being in constant pain – physical and emotional. Physically I'm beat. My shoulder is in constant pain to the point where I'm just used to it. I never know when I'm going to feel the pain next. There's no rhyme or reason to it. Plus, no both of my legs feel as if they are going to shatter after/during running. This happened all last week too, and now it's starting up again this week. It might be shin splints. I hate that my bones feel like they're bruising when I cross my legs or have anything on them or anything like that and I'm just all around tired.
I'm tired of being so confused and being yelled at for things that aren't entirely my fault by the person who caused it in the first place. I'm done with school and all the high expectations and the letdowns when I don't understand it. I'm tired of all the fake friends and the fake people and people making fun of me when I do something because I'm not popular and ooing over people who do the smae thing because they are popular.
I'm tired of being terrible at all the things I want to be the best at. I'm tired of struggling to do the simple things, even when I really want to do them. I'm tired of being yelled at and I'm tired of being made fun of.
I'm tired of being ignored by the peple who I want to be recognised by the most. I'm tired of people who I consider friends treating me like jerks. I'm tired of empty promises. I'm tired of not being recognised for the things I'm good at because it's not what's "in" or it's not what they particularly are a fan of.
I'm tired of teachers ragging on me to stop doing what I'm doing and to listen to them, even though it's my learning style to pay attention to something else as they talk. I'm tired of not being able to pay attention. I'm tired of repeating myself over and over agian and just being heard, not listened to.
I'm tired of giving up my late start Wednesdays (that I have every week, mind you) to talk to my boyfriend when he can't give up his late start Mondays (which only happen once a month) to talk to me. I'm tired of feeling unappreciated and like I'm being taken for granted. I'm tired of being forced to do things I don't want to do and unable to try the things I do want to do.
I'm tired of not being able to fall asleep. I'm tired of randomly bursting into tears for no reason. I'm tired of randomly getting upset at the littlest of things. I'm tired of everyone and everything.
But monstly, I'm tired of myself and of being tired. I'm just so tired of living and waking up every day. I'm tired of not knowing whether I'm going to be happy or sad.
I'm tired, and that's that.