I can’t remember what good sleep is like but I haven’t hallucinated again, or should I say yet. My life feels overwhelming, like being tossed around by a wave and losing which was is up. I need to come up for oxygen but which way do I swim? I’ll be 22 soon. I can’t bear it. I don’t know how to do this. I keep getting older but not smarter.
My mom will be gone soon. My dad says he wants to be in my life again but I feel the need to push him away. I need a job but I have no skills. I have no money either. I want to go to college but I can’t look people in the eyes or speak up. I go red in the face and lose my breath when people talk to me.
I’m overweight but I don’t work out.
I’m mentally ill but I don’t take meds.
I need help but I won’t ask.
What do I do with this life? How do I hold it? How do I carry it without letting it break?
I’m tired ALL the time. God I miss being able to sleep. I feel bad for my brain sometimes, I wonder if it will just rot in my skull. I want to wake up well rested.
I hate my friends and I don’t know why. I can’t understand my mind or my heart. I’m scared I’ll end up like my mom, never able to believe that somebody loves me. I wish she understood I do. That she’s beautiful and valuable. I think she’s only got a couple years left in her at most. Maybe she’ll outlive us all with the current state of affairs.
I dream that I’m beautiful and happy and people are glad to see me.
I’m afraid I’m too old to kill myself.