I can’t remember what good sleep is like but I haven’t hallucinated again, or should I say yet. My life feels overwhelming, like being tossed around by a wave and losing which was is up. I need to come up for oxygen but which way do I swim? I’ll be 22 soon. I can’t bear it. I don’t know how to do this. I keep getting older but not smarter.

My mom will be gone soon. My dad says he wants to be in my life again but I feel the need to push him away. I need a job but I have no skills. I have no money either. I want to go to college but I can’t look people in the eyes or speak up. I go red in the face and lose my breath when people talk to me.

I’m overweight but I don’t work out.

I’m mentally ill but I don’t take meds.

I need help but I won’t ask.

What do I do with this life? How do I hold it? How do I carry it without letting it break?

I’m tired ALL the time. God I miss being able to sleep. I feel bad for my brain sometimes, I wonder if it will just rot in my skull. I want to wake up well rested.

I hate my friends and I don’t know why. I can’t understand my mind or my heart. I’m scared I’ll end up like my mom, never able to believe that somebody loves me. I wish she understood I do. That she’s beautiful and valuable. I think she’s only got a couple years left in her at most. Maybe she’ll outlive us all with the current state of affairs.

I dream that I’m beautiful and happy and people are glad to see me.

I’m afraid I’m too old to kill myself.

2 Comments
  1. plagueghost 4 months ago

    I’ll be 23 soon. I constantly feel that I’m behind, but we aren’t always capable of accurately estimating our progress. Even if you don’t feel smarter, your experiences have probably taught you things that you haven’t yet realized. You’re obviously going through a incredibly painful chapter of your life right now, so it’s understandable that you feel this way. I haven’t had to lose a parent so I can’t begin to imagine how that must hurt.

    I know I don’t have the complete picture, but it feels like your expectations for yourself are too high. There’s plenty of people in their 20s who have no idea where they’re headed or what to do with their lives, not to mention the people who think they know what they want and end up stuck in a job they hate. Taking more time to figure this stuff out can be a good thing. Also, it’s important to try to understand life and ourselves, but those are pursuits that we engage in over the course of our whole lives, not something that we need to figure out right now.

    I’m sorry if I’m crossing a line here, but I want to suggest that you to try to be gentler with yourself. You said that you are worried about breaking your life, but you ARE your life. To look after your life, you need to look after yourself. If it means anything, I am glad to see you here. I don’t know you that well, but I can tell that you’re an amazing human being.

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  2. Author
    orangetree 4 months ago

    I … I don’t know what to say. I think I wrote this in a haze of emotion and it’s strange to know you’ve read it, although I’m not sure why I’m surprised since it’s a public blog and I did that on purpose. But I will just say, “You are worried about breaking your life, but you ARE your life,” really punched me right in the gut … goddamn. That’s some wise shit right there.

    I don’t know you either but with a mind like yours, I hardly think you’re behind. You’re right where you need to be.

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