Well tomorrow I have an important presentation. I am almost done with college and this week I am not working as a trainee anymore and will finally get 100% paid. I suposse this is a good thing. But I am scared as hell of this new chapter of my life. I don't do well with chances.And my anxiety is killing, just thinking that I have to go stand in front of all of those people. I am so stressed, just wishing this was over already.

I was already having an anxious night. Then my ex decided to contact me again. Yeah, he that did not wanted to be with me anymore because he wanted me to loose more weight in a certain time, 'get rid' of my mental illnesses and just be 'normal' from one day to another. I don't blame him for not wanted to be with somebody he does not like, but this is how he met me. It is not easy to change all of that so soon. On top of that college and work too, it was so difficult. He lives 2 hours away, so with my social anxiety it was very hard to get on the train to get to him. Lot's of pressure. But I still that and many things because I thought it was worthed.

He did not even break up with me face to face. It was a punch to the heart to say the least. But it was expected I was just blinded by love. Many times he had told me if I didn't get better soon he would leave. Before the break up, he wanted a break so that I could 'fix' myself. He only wanted to be with me when things were 'normal' again. I did not agree and I guess fight after fights lead to the break up. I made peace with it after the break up I guess it was for the best, but he just keep comming back to give mixed signals. It makes things more difficult, feels as if he is playing with my feelings.

Anyways it has been months and now I feel weird. Lots of anger, resentments and more isolated. I feel like i can allow myself totrust anybody again. SoI have just been trying to focus on finishing college. I havent had time to work on losing more weight or going to therapy. But one thing at a time. Firstmy diploma.Now I can work on things on my own tempo.

So when he contacted me tonight. He wanted to know how my 'progress' is going. As if he wanted to check if I've gotten good enough for him to come back. I got so mad and told him it is my problem now not his, and that I didn't wanted to discuss those stuff with him anymore. I know it was rude. But eventhough I still love him, I am not blinded anymore. He was rude.
I am not changing myself for him but for me and I am doing it in my own tempo. If he did not wanted to be with me in the bad times, then don't come back in better times. He rejected me and now am I suppose to take him back and pretend that nothing happened? No, it might sound harsh but so was he with me.

I know each story has one side. And in some way I understand him not wanting to be with me. I just wish he would made out his mind already. Either stay in my life in good and bad times. Or just leave and be with somebody who is better.

Anyways just wanted to rant and get this anger out. I already have it difficult tonight because of the presentation I don't need him to come and make it worse than he already did.

 

2 Comments
  1. ancientgeekcrone 7 years ago

    Good for you. Good move to blog your emotions out. You do not want to to keep these devastating feelings.

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  2. LonelyFemaleForever 7 years ago

    Thanks. You're right. I haven't blogged in awhile and it's true it helps you with letting certain feelings out in 'passive' way. 

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