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Last night I wanted to die. I caused myself pain in the day. Violent pain that got me shaking. I have decided to cut my hair short. Normally I would ask my parents about this or friends. I am doing it. I'm cutting it as short as I want to, no ones going to tell me what to do with my body. Today though, instead of cutting I have decided to draw on myself where ever I feel like cutting. I am writting the word "neart", which means "strength" in Gaelic. Around that I'm drawing spiral flowerlike designs around it until the feeling passes. I guess I am trying to fight back today, but barely. I called my Ohio boy last night. I can't remember everything specificly I felt so out of it. I just remember trying to walk around outside and somewhere there were these guys following me. So I just remeber being confident for a minute but then not caring if I died. The only thing I remeber from my Ohio boy and I talking last night was him saying that I need to go to a nurse or call one and then he told me to pray. I don't believe in praying as much anymore. I remmeber feeling confused. Why would he ask me to do something I don't believe in? He was trying to care… I know that at the back of my mind. I have an appointment to go to counseling, but I don't remember making it. So I guess. there is that. I'm debating on going, I'll probably go. I mean… I have to… don't I? Even if I don't say anything, does that matter? It's showing up and just getting there.. right? That's what I feel like I do these days… Just rtry and get by…..my Ohio boy, I love him… But I don't know if that's reason enough to stay… I don't even know if we'll even meet or even have a future together…..He's probably going to give up on me… realize what a waste I am…. and I guess…. Deep down……. I understand…. I'm worthless…….

 

the end is near,

wallflower

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