I avoid confrontation. I avoid communication. People often have “one-sided” conversations with me and feel they are talking to a wall. I have trust and abandonment issues. It’s hard for me to believe that people are sincere and genuinely care or want to help me. I get defensive when people tell me I am quiet and should talk more. My defense mechanisms include silent treatments or dramatic, exaggerated solutions to problems that are thrown at me.
Sometimes I have spells of anger or jealousy. These spells seem extreme or severe to me because they will just consume me. I know I become irrational, but the emotions are so strong, it is hard to overcome. I know that my thought patterns attribute to this, but controlling them are difficult. A lot of the time, I find myself so mad, but I don’t really know why.
I push people away, even when I don’t mean to. (men often tell me this)
I think in black and white, and no gray area. This all or nothing type of thinking has cause me grief in past relationships.
Lately, I’ve been thrown into social gatherings that I’ve shyed away from. I try to talk myself into going, and I tell people I am going to be there, and I really do want to go. But when the time comes for the event, I get sick to my stomach, sweating palms, it becomes hard to breathe, and I cannot calm myself or relax not matter how much I talk myself down. The feeling of ‘stage fright’ overcomes me. I will do anything to avoid going. When I hear people being introduced and I’m next, I will find any excuse to not have to meet said person, regardless of who it is. I hate talking about myself, especially in a group of people. When I go to the grocery store, I stand in line hoping that no one will come stand in line behind me, fearful they will stare at me and stare at what I am buying. I turn my back so they can’t see my face. I don’t look at other drivers when I drive. I hide my face with my hair, so they can’t see me, it’s my security blanket. I have even avoided the drive-through, it’s 2006, and can we get robots already? I avoid eye contact with strangers and do not speak to them unless they initiate conversation. People who do not understand think I avoid these situations because I am a snob, a bitch and they take it personally. They really should not.
Then there are those rare days when I feel great and full of confidence. I’m sassy and quick-witted. I feel like I could take on the world. I wish those days weren’t so damn rare.
Perhaps some of this stems from my childhood. I was painfully shy. My family moved around a lot and I’d have to switch schools left and right. I never had a chance to keep friends long enough to feel good about myself. I remember the days of walking into a classroom full of kids that knew each other and the teacher announcing, “Class we have a new student.” I used to hate hearing those words. Kids called me “the new girl”; I didn’t have a name. But dammit I am an intelligent adult in her late twenties, and I’ll be damned if I’m gonna blame it on my childhood. I need Cognitive Behavior Therapy.
Every where I go, a stranger or a friend of a friend will come up to me and ask me what’s wrong. Or that I should smile. Or point out that I am so quiet. Or they tell me to cheer up. That is the most annoying thing in the world. And even when I AM having a good time, people still say things like that to me and I want to smack them. I am not a person who can “fake it.” Nor do I think I should have to.:sad: