I feel too much at the moment. I'm just really unsatisfied with my life and I feel trapped and like I let myself down. I don't even like myself right now. I depress myself to the nth degree. I don't have anyone to comiserate with because I don't like complaining to my friends and sounding like a "woe is me" kind of person. I can lean to the dramatics sometimes but what I feel isn't exactly boo's and hoo's. I can't really tell my boyfriend because he just keeps telling me it'll be fine blah blah blah trying to get the conversation over with so we can talk about more pleasant things.

Well let's see thought number one: I feel like I have no life. I hardly have any friends and the ones I do have, have other shit going on and don't neccesarily have time to hang out all the time, not that I would want to anyways because I feel like all we do together is drink and smoke and sit around in a car talking. Which has its moments but I don't know. Something is missing. Over all as a person I just feel like I would be better off dead sometimes. Like I will never get where I want to be and have the things I think I want just for the reason that I just don't think I can. I'm too shy, unmotivated and just I don't know…sad. I want to be different I want to be like other people and make friends and have fun and accomplish things but instead I sit here on my computer like a fucking loser day in and day out. When I'm not sitting in my room, I'm either sitting on a couch with my boyfriend or at work. My job is degrading and unfufilling. I barely make enough to do anything much less save money to move out. I'm relying too much on my boyfriend for things and I even think he would be better off without me. He could go meet new people have fun and get on with his life instead of always having to deal with my bullshit.

My family who I wish wasn't. I would just rather not have any than to have to think about constantly how I don't measure up to any of my step siblings and almost every cousin I have is doing what they're supposed to be doing in life and here I am doing nothing. I don't talk to anyone who lives in my house except my dad and that's barely a sentence a day. When I move out I want more than anything to just never have to talk to or see any of them ever again but then i'm constantly plagued by feelings of guilt of how it'd hurt my dad etc. I've been dating my boyfriend for almost five years now and I haven't even met his family yet. I've avoided it like the plague even though I want to have a life with him and kids etc. How exactly am I going to swing that all the while exiling all family I know. I would love to be some chatty cathy who everyone loves and wants to be friends with. I live with a bunch of them and they make me look like a friendless loser so that kind of gets to me from time to time. I have a party and its pretty quiet and they have a party and you can't even hear yourself think much less find a room with no one in it.

I don't know what to do. I'm tired of hearing it all the time, "Everything will be fine, it'll work out, you'll do what you want to do." All this bullshit when what I'm feeling is telling me the furthest thing from that is true. My life just feels wrong. I feel like I'm out of place. Like a mistake who is throwing off the whole look of the thing and no one has gotten around to removing it. I feel like everyone's lives would be a lot better without me and of course they wouldn't know it to think of it now but if they knew all the things I thought and felt and wanted to do I'm sure they'd come to see it. I don't want a big wedding because it would be an embarrassment compared to how the rest of my step siblings would be. I'm too social awkward and anxious to do that.

I wish I could just say to hell with all of them and be done with them when I move out and I want to move out soon without feeling guilty about feeling like I'm just using my boyfriend to get out of here. Ugh too many thoughts. I'm just tired of life and all this bullshit I'm surrounded with constantly