Regret, envy, despair, angry, hopelessness. A torrent of emotions flow through me for several weeks now. A lot of which I don't want to deal with at all. I am far too weak to even try to evaluate and reason through it all. I can barely sort my feelings with a single issue, let alone a whole list of them. They build up deep within my heart and soul. Swelling up to the point that the mere thought creates a distinct sharp pain in the guise of a migraine. As promised to those I love, loved, and want to help, I should try at least to identify and sort all my triggers.
The death of my grandpa on my birthday was an extreme shock to me. I loved him dearly and he was the only grandpa that I had ever known. He and I were much alike than I had ever known. A part of me that wished I had gotten to known more so. Knowing my grandpa was like a reflection of me. He was passionate and loved helping others. A man that toiled to no end in order to do the right thing. Not because it made him feel better but because people deserve better in life. People deserve a chance especially when you have the power to do so. I had gotten to know him when I was little, but much of my memories are fragmented due to my past. The only real memory I have with him was when he was diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease. His state of mind was beginning to deteriorate and had a lot of difficulty of placing time and faces. I remember how much I wanted to be strong like him when I was little. Now, I look at all of my life and I see nothing great to show. I can never amount to be like him. I fail my friends and lack any particular drive in life. I guess in the end, I feel like I failed him and his memory doesn't deserve to be held by someone as pathetic as myself.
My close friend dying shortly after that ordeal was again another shock. We talked much about what life had to offer and both of us sought after that piece of happiness in our own ways. We talked about our methods of soul searching and fulfillment in it. Both of us knew of each other's flaws. I helped him when I could and try to see things in his perspectives whenever it differed greatly. I know I could've been a lot better of a friend to him especially when I got the impression he didn't have many to turn to. Rough around the edges, but regardless, he was still a close friend. A month prior we had a difference of opionions and there was a small falling out or at least it was minor to me. When word had reached me from his family, I couldn't believe it. I didn't want to believe it at all. It had to be a misunderstanding or someone else. He wouldn't have commit suicide. Not him. Not someone that was much more in control of his life than I. Then two days later, it was confirmed. A feeling of distrust or even hate came from his brother when I still refused to accept what had occurred. I feel like I failed as a friend. I missed text from him. One that never got a reply because of my foolishness. It was dated a month prior. Deep down a lie was born. That it's not my fault or it was something minor he needed. I don't thjink I will ever accept that lie. Deep down I feel that I betrayed him and his family. I failed another person because of my inability to overcome. A mistake I should never had made especially when I lost friends for the very same reason. My own stupid flaws. A knife I deserve to be placed in my chest for my failure.
The disaster in Japan had affected me when I had learned of it occurrence a day later from my best friend. I spent hours watching the news, but on a delayed time scale. Part of me knew I did it because I was afraid of finding out that of which I did not. I searched frantically for my ex fiance, Ayame. I wanted to know what had happened. Was she alright? Did she get out of the area before it struck. I cried a few nights and passed out from the exhaustion. I could not bear the news if something had happened. A couple weeks later and I receive a phone call. One friend had passed away. The parents asked if I would like to attend his funeral. I opted not to. Partly because of a fear I have or more like on the lines that I can bare to face those I love one last time. I explained my predicament to his family and they thankfully understood. Ashamed, I regressed back into the hole I've grown acustom to digging for myself. Then it happened. I found Aya after a month of searching. I found out that she had drowned. The person I shared my life so intimately at one point was gone. The person that helped breathe life back into this wretched soul is now gone forever. I will never see her again. I will never be able to share a laugh, a smile, a moment, and a mere thought. She was gone and all that was left is her memory. I fucking hate life. I hate how things turn out. I hate how fate saw fit that we were not meant to be together due to me not being a true born Japanese man in her parents eyes. I wanted to be angry. I wanted to blame someone. I wanted to just lash out to God, but I can't. I can't. I can't do anything right. I can't even save those I love. I can't help myself, so what hope do I have to save those I meet along the way? I… just don't know.
My dreams are plagued of death. My own death. I dream of myself doing a number of things to end this miserable life. I wake up briefly and return to this tiresome slumber. The nightmares are vivid and show the digust I have for myself. I see myself multilating my body and bleed out all over the pavement. The knife on my nightstand beside my bed almost gleams through the pitch dark room. I yearns for my blood. There wouldn't be any gratification for simply cutting. The pleasure of craving into this foul flesh would be to extinguish that life. However, I cannot do that. I made a promise to those I loved, love, and still have yet to meet, that I will not. One thing is for sure that promise is becoming ever difficult to keep. Times like these where any progress made is being easily eclipsed by despair makes that promise nearly impossbile. Even the nightmares bleeding through is making me vulverable to the depersonalization disorder. I feel lost and am having issues of recalling times in the day. I am starting to black out. I'm starting to lose what little hope I have inside. I am trying… though it feels much like I am just an empty shell of what had initially remained.