The saying that old habbits die hard is very true for me. I’m finding myself doing more and more "old habbits" these days. The bad thing is these habbits are bad ones. Ones I thought I was past. Apparently i’m not. I’m not surprised.
This last week is very much me slipping into my bad habbits. My leaving the house, but not going to class is one I used to do, but instead of class it was work. The difference these days is i’m not driving anywhere.. I’m catching the bus, for reasons I can’t be bothered writing about again.
I’m drinking again. I’ve drunk the last few nights, and I will again tonight. I’m very scared as to what my probation officer will say tomorrow. He has this uncanny way of knowing when i’m lieing or not. Or maybe its just the fact that i’m not a very good liar. Either way its not good. I wish I were able to lie to him, and him believe it. It’s funny that he asked me when I first said that I was going to study again, if I was actually going to go. He must know me better than I know myself. I was adiment that I would go. I’m a joke. As if I would be able to study again. HA HA HA … I wonder what he’s going to say tomorrow. Probably something along the lines of "I’m dissapointed".. everyone is always dissapointed in me. .I’m just a big dissapointment.
I found myself going to the pharmacy today and purchasing these pain killers that I havn’t taken in a while. I’m not in pain physically. To someone looking at my behaviour they would think i’m some nutcase/addict. Well I guess I am… both.. i’m an addict to distroying myself. Internally and externally. Mentaly and physically.. In every way possible. The sad thing is I don’t think I can change. The pain killers dull my pain. They are a comfort. That sounds stupid I know.
I was thinking today on the bus that i’m destined to be either a) a checkout person. Running barcodes across a lazer all day long. Sounds about my intelligence level. or b) a stay at home mum with baby on the arm, and another on the way. I’d probably suck at that too. Besides you actually have to BE with someone to have kids.. and that is not likely any time soon.
I didn’t go to class again today. I did nothing again.. I did nothing cause I am a nothing. It makes sence to me.
Nothing can be done
It is my being and my life
There is no escape.