so, since I can't sleep i've been writing some letters (I finished 10, might write some more. but i'm worried even my letters annoy people.) (

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(the letters even have Harry Potter stamps. I love those stamps, I have tons. haha)

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I even wrote a letter to two of the three friends I stopped talking to because the hurt and betrayed me.

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in the letter, I decided to forgive and even apologize myself even though I've done nothing wrong. I don't want to lose them

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but at the same time I know deep down it won't be like before, i won't trust them the same. and not with the really deep dark thing in my heart.

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so…is that a friendship worth saving? one with doubt deep down? or should I just let it slowly continue to die out. until theres nothing left to save?

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I don't know…it's so fucking hard to trust anyone. why do I even bother?

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why do I keep having to apologize when i've done nothing wrong? i'm sick and tired of it. i'm always the one that gets blamed and hurt in the end.

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what do you think I should do?

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it's also official I won't be going to marie's for chirstmas eve with my family. i'll be home while they go.

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I also feel guilty about that, I don't want them to think they've done anything wrong. I almost thought about writing them a letter to.

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but would that make me look stupid? or do they even really care if i'm there or not?

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i'm not a mind reader so i never know if someone truly means what they say or what their intentions are.

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it fucking sucks.

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well that's it for now. it's only 3 in the morning so i'm going to try and get some more sleep…