I keep wondering if moderation of alcohol consumption is even possible. You look it up online and, like everything else, there are mixed reviews. I’ve never been a daily drinker. I’ve always been a binge drinker, usually but not always mixed with cocaine or pills of some kind, and only on Saturday nights. I think for years I’ve told myself that, because it’s just one night a week, that means I don’t have a problem. I now know I do. Last weekend I went to a birthday dinner for a friend and had 2 glasses of wine and headed home and that was it. No problems, but for whatever reason I still felt bad about myself because society seems to tell me that drinking at all now is a failure. Or maybe that’s just my inner perfectionistic voice that contributed to me wanting to drink on the weekend in the first place. I am willing now to learn to accept myself wherever I’m at and whether I never have another drink or drink moderately. I am a firm believer that the same approach doesn’t work for all people. I don’t have to prove anything to anyone. I just want to feel good about myself.
I’m realizing that I binge drink in order to feel emotionally numb. Without it I feel intense sadness, despair, anxiety, anger, and sometimes suicidal. The relief from these emotions has made me think at times that it’s worth feeling sick and worthless the next few days afterward. But, I don’t want that anymore. I’m seeing a therapist to try to figure out how to find relief from these painful emotions without using substances. It’s so hard. I crave the escape all the time. And no other escape ever seems to compare, but I’m committed to continuing my search for a healthier way.