My mind: Do it. Do it NOW. You see that wall? Tap on it. Tap on it three times.

My mind: You are ignoring me… if you ignore me your father will have a heart attack and die. Now go, tap on the wall three times. GO! You don’t want your father to die do you?

My mind: Still trying to ignore me? Fine. Your father is dying right now. He is clutching his chest and falling to the floor. His heart is failing him and he is dying. No one is there to save him. He won’t answer your calls because he is dying.

My mind: Still not going to go knock on that wall? Well what about now? Now your mother is going to die of cancer. Your best friend and the person who means everything to you is going to die because of you. You are going to fail. You are so selfish you can’t even tap on a wall to save your parent’s life! TAP ON THE WALL!

…… So I go. I tap on the wall. One. Two. Three.

My mind: Oh, you think you can ignore me and now only tap three times to save your parent’s life? No. Tap three more times. Then three more. Then three more. Then three more. KEEP TAPPING.

 

…. So I go. Again. I knock on the wall one… two..three… four… five…. twenty… I keep knocking more and more. My heart pounds faster and faster as the images of my father clutching his chest screaming for help while he is dying on the floor replay in my head on repeat. I keep tapping while my mother is saying her final goodbyes to me that she will never see me again. And I knock. I knock faster and faster on the wall to bring my parents back from dying. I start to twitch my head to the left because that is what I am being told to do to make these images stop. I twitch my head to the left, my hands to the left, and I am knocking and knocking and knocking and knocking and knocking and knocking and knocking and knocking and knocking and knocking on the wall until I finally feel relief.

 

I did it. I saved my parent’s life…

until the cycle begins again.

 

This is what I battle every single day. These thoughts that I KNOW are not logical. Tapping on a wall and twitching my body to the left will not make someone live or die. Yet, whenever I try to ignore these obsessions I am guilt tripped, I am selfish, I am a failure. I have OCD… or OCD has me.

One day I will overcome this, until then… I keep tapping.

1 Comment
  1. themadpentagon 2 years ago

    Its refreshing seeing my fucked up thought process isn’t just me. I used to believe stepping on cracks would hurt my mother (as the saying goes…) so for a long time I would walk on the street dodging cracks feeling like a right idiot

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    0 kudos

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