So here's what's up…. I just got home. I need to write before I do something completely terrible to myself. It's 2 Am in the morning, and here's what happened tonight. So i've been talking to this guy….I really thought I liked him, like always, i always think ya know maybe it's him this time man…anyways, i've been talking to him….he seemed awesome….very hot….has his own place…doesn't use/drink…perfect…at least i THOUGHT. god… he just got out of a relationship recently, and that kind of bothered me ya know…he's been having me stay at his house for the past week….i've been kinda leerly about it all man….so to make this story make more sense, about how powerful tonight really was, i just recently had a precedure done at the doctor because they found precancerious cells on my cervix, it was horrible for 5 weeks… i kept telling myself i hate guys, i'm not having sex anymore ya know…cuz unfortunately i'm one of those addicts that's fucking addicted to absolutely EVERYTHING including sex….anyways man this guy was being a complete asshole…god i'm so sad. i got used AGAIN. thinking i really liked him. he didn't even kiss me or hold me or be nice..nothing…and we had sex. and i wanted to die tonight in praticular…he wanted to watch a movie and then go to sleep and i'm a sick little addict i'm like come on ya know…..BLAH and i really liked him i thought. and lately ya know i've been super insecure so i complained for a few days about how fat i am and ugly, but not because i want some1 to tell me i'm not,its because i'm dead serious in my head i'm fucking a piece of shit =( he didn't do anything tonight that showed me he even cared one bit….NOTHING..then he went in the other room and i asked him something and he was acting mean, i was like why are you being such a DICK. and he was like YOU ARE SO INSECURE he said he can't handle it and told me i was beautiful and that he didn't understand, but he was being a dick about it man, i started to cry a little, i was like i want to go home, then he was like no or something….anyways i was crying and he was like are u ok and i said yea….he didnt fucking care man. i wanted to go home, but i was scared….i started to pray the serenity prayer over and over and over in my mind and realized i needed the courage to leave, because to top it off i'm pretty sure he even called me his exgirlfriend while we were having sex =( FUCK THAT! i mean i told him from the beginning that i felt bad because he jus got out of a relationship, but he said he was ok….dammit. i'm just so dumb ya know. i left… i snuck out man at 1 am in the morning and i don't even drive, i don't have a car or a lisence or even a permit because i can't pass my stupid test!!!!!!!! YOU KNOW WHAT I FEELL LIKE A WORTHLESS PIECE OF FUCKING NOTHING  man right now. you don't understand how sad i am… i've never been loved, all i want is for someone to care. so i left and luckily one of my good friends lives like right up the road so i went to her house =) which is cool because i was about to go on a little adventure and walkhome, which i would have got lost, and that's bad addict ashley behavior, i used to think i could walk some1 in the middle of the night allll the time to get out of bad situations, when i'd usually end up in an even worse one. sooo the moral of the night, is that yes i have hit bottom with drugs (overdosing,jail,homelessness) , with stealing (getting caught shoplifting,stealing thousands of my mom and my art teacher)  , with cutting,(having 64 scars on my leg and getting stiches)  with my eating disorders  (not being able to fucking breath) but tonight i realized i've hit a bottom thatwas needed man… i can't keep having sex with guys thinking they love me, because they don't. and it's not worth it….it's not….i'm so sad. i feel like a little retarded whore lol i'm so sad i can't even cry. i want to disappear…i can't even begin to explain what's going on in my mind right now because i'm afraid of people judging me man. he also told me i was weird. omg i'm so fucking sorry ya know…i am a fucking weirdo, but it's who i am ya know. i've always been weird… i'm me…. ok so i'm done with that. something exciting…i had my school orentation today =) got my picture ID and scheduled classes for college….i'm so happy… i've been working on my 1st step again, hoping i can finish it without getting high before i do.went to a meeting last night, and man it was probably one of the best i've been to EVER. so life isn't that bad. i just snuck out of some guys bed lol grrrrrr i really really realllly really hope life gets better. before i'm done i should probably write that i called my mother because i was so excited about going to college, and i wanted to tell her and i did, but she was like busy, and never called me back or answered my calls, and that hurts man. the only person inthe world right now i have is my sponser. and sometimes i'm fearful for our relationship as well because no one seems to care anymore about me. i'm not trying to be like a little bitch and want pity or feel sorry for myself, i'm just being dead honest. it's been so hard lately. anyways, i needed to write i guess….it's all personal and pointless, but o well maybe it'll help someone. k i'm going to try to go to sleep !!! peace


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