this morning started off well. i got out of bed, got dressed and went into the kitchen and made my pot of tea and breakfast. took my anti-depressant and supplements etc and sat down at laptop. i checked my emails and had a notification from DT – how cool, logged in and replied, that made me feel even better.

then my partner came in from the shed angry. not at me. it is pouring with rain here and there is a noisy frog disturbing his peace in his workshop. he asked for one of my valiums. i gave it to him willingly. much more willingly then he ever did me when he was in charge of ALL my meds. in those days (after a near successful suicide attempt) i had to explain, prove etc i needed it. without tears. practically impossible for me. hence i pretty much got off them as a means of dealing with situational anxiety (which is a good thing but didn't feel like it at the time).

now all my prescribed meds for BPD except propananol (which again is almost impossible to get from him and therefore is not being taken as prescribed) is in the draw in kitchen/living area along with the panedine forte prescribed to me for chronic back pain, the ibroprofen and bandaids etc. no matter what he wants from there he asks me to get it for him…

anyhoo he banged around the kitchen a bit. made himself something to eat. and a big show of wiping off the breadboard, throwing cuttlery into sink etc and asked me to make him a coffee. which i did, willingly. it wasn't right. no-one makes coffee how he likes it he said. he banged around a bit more and "fixed" it. in his words "as best he could". so clearly not in a good mood, he left. i am now shaking with fear. not afraid he is going to hurt me physically. just don't react well to violent outbursts. (hypocrite i know) . lots of angry vibes here atm. i regress to my childhood. won't bore you with that but it was abusive and i saw much violence. i also didn't walk until nearly 6 years old.

having any internet access without his supervision is actually a fairly new experience for me. he wants to protect me. i do believe he cares. but after finding DT i really want more independence. i feel it is time for me to grow as an individual. this gets to him (he has told me so).

he has called me outside 3 times (in pouring rain) since i started writing this to look at various things he has cleared out of his shed. i feel afraid of his anger or is it disapproval or am i just being a sook? if you read all this, i thank you.

i'm going to log off and go read. ideally (i believe) i would be doing something more active, practical, useful like housework but i just don't feel up to it. still i hope not being online will calm things down abit. i can't bear the sound of him throwing things around and swearing etc. i just want to cry 🙁