It has been over a year since my last post, I believe. . . I feel bad for not being around and checking in on many of you. . .

This is what has been going on. . .

Part 1 (Fall):  I went to college full-time, got good grades; started making friends, and re-met someone I had known who worked at a pet store from when I was 20; saw my relationship fail from the lack of communication and emotion between us; basically was in some sort of cult-like ordeal to try to appease a girl with mental problems and get to know other friends; began dating a great guy; started drinking a lot; had my best friend of the time get himself sexually taken advantage of right down the hall from me by the girl with mental problems; had to deal with one of the worst human beings I have ever met in my entire life when everything he wanted to do was try to sexually harass me and my friends and sponge money and belongings from us.

Part 2 (Winter):  Continued drinking more and using diphenhydramine from time to time; started doing badly in school due to not going to class and drinking; had my best friend (mentioned in Fall) get involved with a girl who claimed she was possessed all for attention, then she cheats on him, and he starts drinking just as much as me; found out my ex of 7 years started doing heroin and was still no-where in life; got back in touch here-and-there with the girl of my dreams in small, painful E-mails; started smoking heavily again; broke up with a good guy; started seeing my best friend I met years ago with the issues; became incredibly happy.

Part 3 (Spring):  Still was drinking; had to pick up a friend from college all the way down in Hilton Head Island in South Carolina by driving 13 hours there and back non-stop; was getting yelled at for not having a job nor a car of my own so I began the search; an asshole of a guy (who is now in prison) tried to screw-up my relationship, and having it end-up actually causing damage; had to go to California to see my ex because it was planned out months previously and it was only fair and nice to do since he had financially helped me; began having tonsil problems; got broken-up with by my best friend because he self-admits that he fucks up everything good in his life, but at the time he used anything as an excuse; had someone that very same night sexually touch me while he was intoxicated and I was semi-passed out on the couch; barely coped with the losing of my boyfriend to whom I actually had a spiritual marriage with (and aren't they all?); had an incident with a squirrel while driving (the breaks locked up) and I hit a fence, got a citation, and yet still got my driving permission revoked because the police officer failed to tell me to show proof of insurance when I sent in a check to the citation; got a job working at a theme park, in which I was treated like a fourth-class citizen.

Part 4 (Summer):  Ended-up having a one-night-stand for the very first time and wanted to kill myself for a while for the action; later found someone who I honestly realize I fell head-over-heels for although I knew he had some types of psychological problems (but now I wonder if it was pathological liar problems), and had a wonderful relationship with him for some time until he started getting aggressive with me, (once throwing my keys at me and hitting me with a deck of cards), verbally abusing me, becoming controlling of all whom I talked to, saw, or did as an activity while I'm trying my best to take care of him and his own needs in life; continued to have the bad relationship with everyone in my family and found out my half-sister was kicking me and our mother out of the house.

Part 5 (Fall):  Started losing the friends that mattered the most to me because of my boyfriend but continued to try to work through the bad relationship; started taking lots of diphenhydramine; found out I was pregnant the day of my surgery to remove my tonsils; and had more drama constantly with my boyfriend until I broke up with him within 24 hours ago. . .

And now what. . .  I feel weak. I miss him. I love him. I hate him.  If I get back with him, things would have to be different, though, but he's just like his father so I doubt he would allow everything to be different. . . And now I bet all he is doing is trying to get sympathy from all and anyone. . .  And I just want to hold him so tightly and press my lips to his neck. . .

It's been raining non-stop. . . I usually love the rain, but now all I want to do is go drown in it.

If it weren't for very few people now, and they know who they are, I don't know how today would have gone. . .  It was . . . a mess. . .  And my heart is constantly breaking over and over. . .  For someone I know who doesn't deserve to be with me. . . But I still want to make it work. . .  I am blind. . .


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