Its my birthday and everyone arund me is happy but me? I could careless. Still woke up this morning wishing i didnt, wishing he loved me, wishing everything would change. My poor mom has to put up with me, so i have to pretend like im happy when really i feel empty and i can literary feel my body wanting to give up. My body is tired of fighting the depression. I just feel like ive been laying in my death bed since i was 12 ; too long.

My birthday wish is to be alone, with someone who understands what im going through so i can just tell everything and not be judged. I just want to spend the rest of my life with someone who knows what its like to not want to live anymore. I want to wake up and feel loved and wanted.

But you know what? This is reality and that would never happen because life is shit. We have meds, therapists, council groups, but none of those will stop someone from killing themself if you just dont understand.

My mom took me to the therapist and she justdidnt get it. She pretended that just by buying me whatever i want and telling me its gonna be okay, is gonna make everything okay. And i cant even be mad at her because what can she do? Her innocent daughter wants to die because she hates her life.
So my mom thinks to herself "what did i do that was so wrong?"
But the thing is, everyone always thinks its their fault im like this. There all so selfish.
Maybe i just hate life? Maybe i just hate myself? Maybe im tired of living in this world. ITS ME. not anyone else.

Honestly; i probably would never have the courage to kill myself but i can tell you….

If i was standing in the middle of the highway and a car was coming toward me, i wouldnt move.

Happy birthday: to the girl who isnt worth living.

  1. ConcreteRose 10 years ago

    First, Happy Birthday.. I'm so sorry you feel this way. You are someone special and worth living… I honestly understand how you feel, but we have to remind ourselves of how special we are from within. I'm a single mom and currently I'm not in a relationship, but I'm thankful. We broke up because he couldn't fill the void in my heart… I had to learn on my own of how uniqe and precious I am without a man. You have a purpose..this site helps me feel like I'm not alone dealing with helped me today in a different way. Since Its your birthday just enjoy the things YOU would like to do. Its something out there that would make you smile…

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  2. RZA324 10 years ago

    Don't blame yourself for not feeling happy.  Sometimes there is no reason, its a chemical imbalance.  You need to be honest with your therapist and let him/her know how your feeling so you can get some validation, education, and help on mental health.  You could have everything that other people could only imagine having, such as support and love from your family, but don't make this make you feel guilty.  Get the help you need.  Mental health has come a long way and learning about it is a step in the right direction.  Attempt to enjoy yourself today, give yourself your only special treat.  Don't pretend for others it won't help you. Take care

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  3. ancientgeekcrone 10 years ago

     Is mamma going to allow you to continue therapy. That would be a place to start.

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  4. leslie 10 years ago

    Happy birthday pumpkin! It's you day so feel however you want. I am sure your mom understands. Keep your chin up and please let me know if you need anything.

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