So, I am here, with Charlie, and he is playing guitar.  I am not singing.  For once, I don’t feel like singing.  There is nothing like that inside me, trying to get out, right now.

How sad…

Maybe tomorrow…

My best friend always says "tomorrow will be better," and it is often true.  Sleeping through the night can wash away a lot of acute discomfort.

The friend who said I should really get a better camera (after I sent him some shots I felt pretty damn good about) tried to apologize to me last night, but he seemed really impatient about it, like the whole misunderstanding was my fault for being so oversensitive.  I know I can be like that, and I probably react in greater extremes than a lot of people to any number of things, but I don’t think that was the case here.  I never contended that it was an intentionally hurtful thing to say. 

But, I doubt I will continue emailing people photos.  I don’t want people blowing up my 10 MP pix to full size to scrutinize for flaws.  For one thing, I never print in the full size, so if the pix are "grainy" at full size, that isn’t even a real issue, at the moment.  When printed, they look awesome.  I feel good about them, and I am trying really hard (obviously) not to let anything f@ck with that – I understand that it is silly to give one person’s opinion that much stock when things are going so well, otherwise, but I was not expecting that level of criticism – something that implies a flaw in ALL my recent work, from someone I was trying to share my stuff with because I was happy about it, and I wanted to share it with a friend.

And, personally, I don’t think there is anything wrong with my camera.  I don’t have a functioning SLR at the moment, so I take most of my shots with a 10 MP Nikon Coolpix with a 3.6 zoom – honestly, it really is a quality camera.  I researched the issue heavily, to get the best camera I could afford, and this is a camera that professional photographers snag a lot of great pictures with.  It was recommended by several photographers whom I admire, and I have found their assertions about the quality of the camera to be well founded.  Obviously, if I could afford a new digital SLR, right now, I would have one.  I would have a lot of equipment if I had the money to blow on it.  Like anyone, I try to save up money to build on the resources  have – most artists are poor.  SLR’s are pricey, and not everyone has that kind of disposable income.  But, I think I have managed to do pretty damn well without one since I started taking pictures again (after I kicked smack, I picked this up again – it had been a while.  H ate all my money, during that time, which prevented me spending much of anything on the visual arts.  I actually took some really incredible pictures of street musicians a few years ago, with a freaking disposable camera).

But, yeah, I tried to sleep on it, and chill out, but I still cannot see getting annoyed with someone because they upset, when you are the one who hurt their feelings.  And, it’s not like this was a perfectly kind and friendly comment that I am just too damn sensitive to read right.  I believe him when he says he did not intend to hurt me, but the comment was really thoughtless and shitty all the same.  Most of the time, when people hurt each other, it is thoughtlessness, not cruelty.  But, I don’t think there are many photogs who would not have been hurt by that, coming from someone they respect.

But, whatever…  I was not even going to say anything more to him about it last night – I was too raw and upset to discuss the matter in any sort of objective manner, so I decided to leave it alone.  He started IMing me, telling me that I had misunderstood, but he got annoyed when I did not promptly come around.  I said I believed his intentions were not ill, and that he meant no harm, and that I was not angry – not all at once, but I did get those ideas across.  But, since I was clearly still upset, that was insufficient, and he started to get annoyed.  (He said he was annoyed with explaining himself so much, and I said "so stop."  I wasn’t even going to get into it – I knew it would not go well.)

What more could I do?

I suppose I could have said, "don’t worry about it, it’s okay."  I probably would have in short order if the tone of things had stayed more sympathetic.  But, it’s hard to be accomodating to someone who hurt your feelings, and then gets impatient with the nature of your sadness.  I cried (and I mean I sobbed like a little girl) for over an hour. 

I had just written a blog earlier in the day about how much I doubt myself – how much I suspect that others doubt me, or that they will, in time, because I am not all that my praisers think I am.  I have sold pieces recently.  Three of my framed pieces are about to go up at a nearby Italian joint, and I have that gallery show in the wings (once the elaborate frame art is ready, I will get an opening date).

One of my very best friends is coming to visit tomorrow.  And my best lady friend has agreed to collaborate with me on some crazy framework for my pix.  I don’t want to roll out all the ideas and details here, but it should be great.  I am so happy to know such a great artist who wants to work with me on this.  It was such a relief when she said yes.  I got her a present today as a thank you – a small model of the human body, for sketching.  It has depictions of muscles, bones, and the circulatory system, as well (different, detachable layers) – I think she will love it.

Take care – gotta jet. 


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