Is there something wrong with me?
I do not know why but i have always felt i was different from everyone else. At first i thought was it because i was Chinese as i was called at throughout primary school, however at high school this stopped. I did not feel that i did not fit in as while everyone else my age was going through their childhood. My family were quite different as we owned a shop and i was to help when it was open and i was not allowed out to socialise with friends. Therefore i have felt different as i did not have similar experiences as my peers so in a sense i have always felt that i am missing something.
I do identify now that i was withdrawn and still am today but not as bad i don’t think and i know i should speak up and take part in activities instead of hanging along the edges and let people take over. I feel that i don’t have the confidence to speak up as i am in fear that i would say something stupid. I have always felt like this especially in big groups or when i am to perform certain responsibility when i volunteer at the youth club. I find it difficult to maintain or talk to people at the youth club who are of similar age i think i still fear that they will judge me. I know people avoid me as i am quiet and at times i feel that there is nothing to me. I do all these activities yet i am slowly backing away from the volunteering as i don’t think that it has helped me. I don’t know if i am making excuses or that there is a lack of support at the club due to staff problems. Or is it me that isn’t making the most of the experience while i can? Cos i feel that i am quite curvy and that i don’t do much sport and that i don’t feel as the same level to others who do have good knowledge of sports and who are quite sporty.
I find it a vicious circle and some mornings i find it hard to get out of bed and to motivate myself. I know i always give myself a long list of things to do yet i don’t want to do it i let it build up and i avoid it. I know i should face it but i don’t have it in me.
I have started a job since September yet i am not finding it as rewarding as i thought it would be because i thought that i would meet more new people. I know i am doing the self fulfilling prophency because i stick myself to myself and i expect too much out of people. I always feel that i freeze when i talk to people cos i think that i should be saying something funny all the time or be the most interesting person. I always find that i am not so good at reading people yet some people find it a lot easier than me and how to interact with different people and at different situation. I know this is a life long skill but i don’t know where or what i am doing wrong.
To all those people reading i do apologise for being such a self absorbing person but i just needed to get it off my chest.