I had to get up early to pick my mom up from the car place. My dad's car has been out of commission a long time… each time he picks it up after they tell him they think it's fixed… it's not and I have to help drag it up the hill. It's a little annoying. If the guys were so good at what they would do, they would actually drive the damn thing more than a few blocks and realize it's still not fixed.
Anyways. I didn't sleep much. I was awake until after 530am, and then on and off until 820am when I was asked if I could get up and follow my mom up the hill. I feel… horrible. I couldn't sleep because of a myriad of different reasons. The first of which is that I'm stupid. The second, for some reason I'm so hot I couldn't fall asleep. Even my smallest blanket over my shoulders felt too heavy and warm. I am so achy in my arms and shoulders that lying on one side or the other just… hurt. Even right now… I feel like I'm tensing up… my muscles feel strained and I've not done anything.
I really don't want to go back to sleep. It's near 9am, and I want to do the things I need to. I want to go out… put in applications, actually show people that I know I need to find a job. Actually work towards getting one instead of nodding and lying whenever anyone asks.
I feel like shit. I want so badly to get sleep… and to feel better. I want… to feel good. Why is it so hard to feel good? And why don't people believe me when I tell them I don't feel good? Why is it they think I'm pretending…? I want to be happy and healthy. I want everyone to stop thinking I'm just a slacker and a hypochondriac.
I DON'T FEEL GOOD. DAMNIT.