I had to get up early to pick my mom up from the car place.  My dad's car has been out of commission a long time… each time he picks it up after they tell him they think it's fixed… it's not and I have to help drag it up the hill.  It's a little annoying.  If the guys were so good at what they would do, they would actually drive the damn thing more than a few blocks and realize it's still not fixed.

Anyways.  I didn't sleep much.  I was awake until after 530am, and then on and off until 820am when I was asked if I could get up and follow my mom up the hill.  I feel… horrible.  I couldn't sleep because of a myriad of different reasons.  The first of which is that I'm stupid.  The second, for some reason I'm so hot I couldn't fall asleep.  Even my smallest blanket over my shoulders felt too heavy and warm.  I am so achy in my arms and shoulders that lying on one side or the other just… hurt.  Even right now… I feel like I'm tensing up… my muscles feel strained and I've not done anything. 

I really don't want to go back to sleep.  It's near 9am, and I want to do the things I need to.  I want to go out… put in applications, actually show people that I know I need to find a job.  Actually work towards getting one instead of nodding and lying whenever anyone asks.

I feel like shit.  I want so badly to get sleep… and to feel better.  I want… to feel good.  Why is it so hard to feel good?  And why don't people believe me when I tell them I don't feel good?  Why is it they think I'm pretending…?  I want to be happy and healthy.  I want everyone to stop thinking I'm just a slacker and a hypochondriac. 

I DON'T FEEL GOOD. DAMNIT.