It's midnight….and here I am again…with so many questions and hurts in my head.  Major blowup with my gf tonight and yet again a lot of very hurtful and harmful things were said on both parts.  I will admit my responsibility in the problem tonight, but at the same time, I don't understand if she loves me how she can hurt me so deeply emotionally when I do the best I can to be showing concern.  I mean do i care TOO much and I need to back off….but yet if I back off, won't that be thought of as cold and unfeeling???  I just wish I could wave a magic wand and make all the hurt go away, for all of us….I mean tonight she said that she was going to quit speaking to me and just ignore me..and in anger I will admit I compared her to my parents (that was something they were very good at doing was ignoring me).  I know that was probably the wrong comparison to make, but at the time I was hurting by the fact she was threatening to ignore me when she knew that being ignored hurts me just as much as being hit with fists or with words.  Then to top it all off, after the argument got relatively calmed down, my gf ended up having a seizure.  She has epilepsy, and has been having trouble with her seizures more lately.  Of course, now I"m blaming myself and pretty much punishing myself because if I would have just backed off and not kept trying to explain how I was trying to take care of her, (she had 2 seizures earlier in the day), she would have been fine and not had another one.  If I'd keep my emotions more in check, I wouldn't create the stress for her and she'd not have had so much trouble this evening.  But at the same time, I know I need to be able to talk to her about how I feel, or our relationship doesn't really have much sustinance to it either.  See why I'd be kinda confused, kinda numb, just kinda here??  I know I love her…I just worry but I guess I don't show it in the right way…or maybe just the combination of both of our emotional issues gets to be too much if I kinda try to kick my caring instinct, or perceived strength, into hyperdrive.  Maybe all the fighting lately is my own fault.  I dunno anymore….I know I"m responisible for a lot of it….but am I ALWAYS wrong????

1 Comment
  1. bizzybe86 15 years ago

    Hey it's not ur fault that she had seizures so don't blame ur self.I understand about the communication part how can there be a relationship without the communication and understandin how u feel.

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