There is a reason that we call this a "we" program and while I seem to be ok with reaching out to you I have a horrible time saying I might need a little boost myself.. I don't like asking for help, or letting you think that I might be vulnerable.. But I am learning, a little at a time to let down these boundries that can only ensure my imprisionment of this disease.
In the past the month of July is a horrible reminder of pain. Usually medicated but still painful.. The last 3 July's were unmedicated but difficult.. I can't describe the pain of getting the knock on the door that tells you that your child has been killed. Life as you knew it ceases to exist you struggle, fight, survive only because you have others depending on you… Then find yourself so angry that they need for -you to stay alive…. That's where i was 2 years ago arriving at AA and today I really am grateful that I asked God to not let me hurt anyone else.. Only later did i realize that If I died it would cause someone else the kind of pain that I endured/endure from the death of my son.. Of course it could have been a relief for my loved ones because I was a tornado wanting everyone to go with me on my journey to hell.
The good news is that it is actually less painful this July because i have progressed spiritually since last July.. My journey has truly been amazing and i am so grateful to you people and God… But again, it is a we program and I have learned to ask for help (not sympathy) from others in recovery..
So, please drop me a line because I welcome any communication that gets me outta me.. especially this month.
Love and Hugs,
Karen
my dearest sister in Recovery, you have walked the path on both sides now. you have a couple of years under your belt and have learned that what we do today in Recovery is what God wants us to do. Nobody expects to outlive their children. it was death that too got me into Recovery. 21 years ago this time i lost my oldest nephew. he was my brother’s oldest son. he should have been my son. he was just like me. he worshipped the ground i walked on. mostly because i was the outlaw type in his life. he grew up with a father who was a Captain in the Alaska State Troopers all his lfe. then he had me. the radio DJ, the rock and roll guitar player, the druggie/drunk i was. all he wanted to be was me. it’s sad to say that his death saved my life. his spirit was my original higher power. i used to think when i first got clean that he was looking down laughing at me that i could no longer use successfully. but then i realized he was more pleased that i had finally done something to make my life better.
yes it is quality not quantity in this program. it does not matter if you have 7 days or 7500 days it’s what tyou do with the knowledge you’ve given and who you give it to. what we have learned basically is a better way of life can be had by us all. we just have to do the footwork. nobody ever said this was going to be a walk in the park. yes i have gone to hell a few times in my 21 years but it’s people like you that i get to watch grow in their personal journey of recovery that mostly keep coming back. it’s the newcomer coming to their first meeting looking like somebody stole their puppy dog.
these past 21 years have not been easy especially with all the health problems just goes to show how hard we truly were on our bodies back then. it’s amazing that when my feet hit the floor in the morning i can actually stand up and move. all the apin and sorrow i went through last year made me a better, stronger person. don’t think there were not times where i was going to say F#@k it and just get drunk. i would not go back to using drugs but i look back at all the new alcoholic beverages that have come out since i got clean and think damn i never got to try those. but is it worth becoming the mouthy, shithead asshole i become whan i get drunk? no it is not.
I truly believe and trust these people that have my life in their hands. yes 21 years is a major accomplishment but there is so much more work to be done. the surgery is tomorrow at 1pm. they moved me up a bit. i should be home by 5pm. i don’t think i will make it to the meeting tomorrow night. i probably could because i am a tough old SOB but i will probably wait until Sunday to take my coin. that is my actual clean date. 7/11/89. i will also be taking it wednesday night at my home group. july 16 to the 18th is our annual convention. i am truly looking forward to the fun and fellowship. okay sweetface i will close this now with wishes of nothing but good things to keep coming your way and know that as a brother in recovery i truly love you lots.
NA hugs,
JJ