There is a reason that we call this a "we" program and while I seem to be ok with reaching out to you I have a horrible time saying I might need a little boost myself.. I don't like asking for help, or letting you think that I might be vulnerable.. But I am learning, a little at a time to let down these boundries that can only ensure my imprisionment of this disease.
In the past the month of July is a horrible reminder of pain. Usually medicated but still painful.. The last 3 July's were unmedicated but difficult.. I can't describe the pain of getting the knock on the door that tells you that your child has been killed. Life as you knew it ceases to exist you struggle, fight, survive only because you have others depending on you… Then find yourself so angry that they need for -you to stay alive…. That's where i was 2 years ago arriving at AA and today I really am grateful that I asked God to not let me hurt anyone else.. Only later did i realize that If I died it would cause someone else the kind of pain that I endured/endure from the death of my son.. Of course it could have been a relief for my loved ones because I was a tornado wanting everyone to go with me on my journey to hell.
The good news is that it is actually less painful this July because i have progressed spiritually since last July.. My journey has truly been amazing and i am so grateful to you people and God… But again, it is a we program and I have learned to ask for help (not sympathy) from others in recovery..
So, please drop me a line because I welcome any communication that gets me outta me.. especially this month.
Love and Hugs,