Well this is the first time I\'ve \'blogged\' in a while… But once again something has happened that has made me feel all anxiety-ridden and back to square one again.
It\'s just a little thing in the scheme of things, but it\'s funny that sometimes the littlest of things hurt the most. Not so long ago I got back in touch with an old friend (someone I dated actually) and we quickly struck up what I thought was a good friendship. We met for coffee a few times, and each time I was struck by how at ease he made me feel – as at ease, that is, as someone with Social Anxiety can feel. I was really surprised at how easily I could talk to him, and what a lot we had in common. It surprised me because with hindsight, I guess the reason I broke up with him was not that I didn\'t like him or anything like that – it was because I was really struggling with my anxiety at the time, and was in no way ready to have a relationship with anyone.
Anyway, I am married now, and he has been married and separated, so that\'s all water under the bridge. But I reallly thought we were getting along great as friends and really enjoyed seeing him. The last time I saw him was a few months ago when we met up for coffee and then he took me back to show me his new flat. I was a bit more anxious than usual because I never really feel comfortable in other people\'s houses, and he had hoped that we could have something to eat together, but due to the way I was feeling I made my excuses and left. I didn\'t think anymore about it. But since then I\'ve been getting the impression that I had said or done something wrong, as he wasn\'t replying to my emails or texts. So I decided to ask him. Big mistake!!
I got an email from him last night, saying that everytime we meet I seem uncomfortable with him and he gets the impression I don\'t want his friendship. Aarrgggh!! I can\'t tell you how much of a kick in the teeth it was to read this. Seriously. I feel totallly and utterly inept now – I mean, if the people who I actually do feel comfortable with think I seem uncomfortable, what hope have I of ever having a normal friendship that isn\'t spoiled by the anxiety of being out of my comfort zone?
I really believed that I have come on in leaps and bounds since I last knew Mark, but now I seriously doubt myself. Him saying this to me is basically like saying I am exactly the same awkward, anxious person that he dated eight years ago!
It is also completely and utterly the WORST thing a person can say to someone with Social Anxiety – to actually point out to them how noticeable the anxiety is. I mean, once that has been said, the person with SA is then going to be all the more self-conscious about it, and therefore, more anxious!!
I feel so rubbish, and I don\'t even know now how to respond. Part of me wants to be brutally honest with him, and tell him how insensitive he is for being brutually honest with me. Another part of me wonders if maybe sending him a link to an article on SA might help to explain to him why I am as I am. And then another part of me just wonders if I should do nothing and just draw a line under that friendship, as I don\'t know if I could ever feel \'comfortable\' with him at all now!