I'm not sure it was the hormone change after giving birth that usually cause "postpartum blue" or my life is getting extremely suck…so that I have been crying on and off for several days. Of course, I love my baby, she is my first and guess she will be my only daughter…

I used to wonder why so many couples decided to end the relationship after they already have babies. If they are not sure about living, having family with their couples, why the hell they let the baby comes…it will get more complicated. That's why I've wait for about 5 years…until I decide, ok…I will have a baby with my bf. We bought the house together…we have a baby and he was so in love with me even more when he knew our first baby is coming. He even talked about the second, the third and the fourth…well, I was stupid to believe him.

When I was 5 months pregnant, he was away for 5 weeks vacations and getting married with a girl he knew for only 2 weeks. Yeah…he got married with a girl he knew for only 2 weeks. And I still do not understand him, why the hell did he do that???…He forgets about me, about our lives…about responsibility…he forgets about everything…I believe he indeed forgets about our baby too.

He came back his vacation…but our lives as a family changed forever…of course, he pretends he loves me and my baby…I was stupid enough to believe him. After my baby was born for 9 days…he left us again to go back with his "WIFE" for 10 days…and then he came back to stay with "ME and BABY"…acting like he's real good father and good husband to me. He admits that he is happy this way…2 women in his life…he will not leave me and the baby but he will not leave his "WIFE" also…bullshit…I don't really know what happen to him.

I am not happy. 

I used to think, only if he's with me, only if I have him by my side, I don't need anything else…I was stupid…again and again.

I used to think I don't want my baby to grow up without father so I will put up with everything and stay with this man. Now I am thinking…if one day he left us forever, how can I explain to my baby why her dad left…imagine that day came, her dad walks away and my daughter asking "Mommy, where is daddy going?…when he will come back?…" What will I tell her? I am so sure, he will leave us one day. Even though he keeps telling me that he loves us and will never leave us…I was stupid to believe …but not this time. My brain as a lover function differently from my brain as a mom. As a lover, risk is acceptable…as a mom, it's not. I know for sure if I stay with this man, one day, my daughter will get hurt…It's better to leave…when my daughter cannot remember him…then I can tell the beautiful story about her dad later if she asked. However, it's will be hard for me to take care of her alone, when I haven't finished school. My family is far away and I don't want them to take my baby away from me…not just a week…I love staying with her…she is my last straw I'm holding on now. Without her, life would be meaningless.

I wish I can finish school soon, get a job and then move out. Hopefully about a year from now. My baby is only 3 weeks old and she won't remember her dad at the age of one. I might move to stay close to my sister so she can help me taking care of my baby…

I was so mad at God…why he lets bad things happen to my life. I was so close to have everything I have ever wanted. I have my little dream house, my beautiful baby…my bf promised to marry me after he came back from vacations…Now, my dream is wrecked…Well, finally I forgive God. It is God who sent me the little angel and this little one helps me wake up and open my eyes. This little one doesn't need bad daddy…I hope I can be both daddy and mommy for her. I don't think I want to find her new dad…I will lie to her that her dad did love her so much but he died…I will tell her only good thing about her dad. I love my bf so much but I love my baby a lot more…I need to do something to guarantee her happiness that my bf cannot give her. So…leaving is unavoidable…it's just the matter of when that will take place. Probably soon…because I don't want to cry anymore.