Feelings are like caged monkeys. They make all this noise and racket, but can't really do anything unless you let them out.

My therapist tells me that feelings are just that. Feelings. They can't do anything unless we let them. Of course, I don't like the truth of this since it means that I have to be the one to do something about it. Unfortunately I've always lived off my emotions. It was how I thought, acted–I never could control them very well. My doctor has me on hormones for my skin. They don't work very well with helping my PMDD though. So there I go again. I have all this junk against me and I'm supposed to ignore the feelings.

Yes, It's possible. But it is the hardest thing I ever had to do. To experience this incapacitating emotion and then be expected to pretend that I have nothing to say about it? "Yes, feeling. I recognize that you're there, but I'm going to ignore you and pretend that you have no impact on me whatsoever."

Yeah, right. I do not like this idea, but it's only way.

I've been having a couple of terrible days. No, not bad. I didn't say bad purposely. Terrible days. Beyond bad. Just below horrindous. And today I have to go the Ladies' Christmas party at church. Let rephrase: I am choosing to go.

I can't limit myself and I refuse to not do things because I feel, well, like I'm a human emotion tornado. I keep picking up things and God only know when and what I'm going to spit out. But I'm choosing to go and I'm scared. I want to feel good. Yeah, yeah. I can't depend on a feeling. But still. I have all these wonderful memory making times zooming past me because I just can't truely enjoy them the way I would be able to if I were myself. Drives me insane!

But they're just feelings.

My question is this: whyis it so easy tolet ourselves feel thebad feelings so, but we can't choose to feel happy? Again, drives me insane! If I could choose to feel happy then I'd be there by now…I suppose.

Bottom line, I have to force myself to be happy and pretend to be normal tonight and I don't like it one bit. Please, prayers would be appreciated.