"It's a struggle everyday to be happy, and i'm currently on a downswing. I hate this fight; I just want to give up. But I'm too much of a coward, or maybe I just don't want it bad enough, to end it all. I wish I had a reason as to why I still feel this way but the truth is I don't know at all. I'm too stubborn and ask for help.. not to mention my family can't afford any extra expenses right now. I feel selfish complaining anyway when I know that I won't kill myself and there are others who have it worse.
Sometimes, at night, I dream I die, and the escape from reality, the pain, the feelings, is what keeps me sane. One tme, after I read the Burn Journals, I dreamed I set myself on fire. The pain I felt was what I deserved for all the terrible things I've done to everybody around me. Another time, I dreamed I dissolved myself alivein acid. How sick is that? Honestly I hate this feeling but I don't want help. I should be able to get through this on my own.
I feel sorry for everybody. A lot of people know but they turn the other cheek. I don't exist to them. I speak when spoken to but nothing other than that, really. I know no one cares about my stories, anyway. I can tell. They shift in their seats, impaitient, waiting for me to be done .Their mouths open and close. They want to talk to each other, not me. I'm nothing but an intruder to them. I waste their time.
You know, I said I'd never try to kill myself… that was a lie. I have tried before. I tried to swallow so many pills but I only puked them up.
I feel awful. Ty asked why I was tense but I couldn't tel him. How can you tell you boyfriend that you were tense because you're writing about how you always want to kill yourself?
Why do I feel like this today. Everything is going right. I'm going to see my boyfriend after school. Why do I feel like crying? Like I don't belong anywhere anymore?
After school. After school I'll feel better. I'll see Ty, and I'll feel wanted, I hope."
"The world is dark, and I am nothing. I don't belong here. I just want to die. I can't handle this. I can't get the grades they want me to get. It's impossible. I'm stupid and worthless and I exist only to ruiin everyone's lives. Living is a privilege and I haven't earned it. How can I? I'm not the greatest person. I'm rude, a hypocrite, lazy, angry, sad, useless, ugly. There are so many great people out there. They're always considerate and polite and perfect and have stunning good looks. I just wasn't meant to have what I want. I wasn't meant to be great at anything. I'm not sure I was ever meant to be alive, to be honest. The other day, I was thiking about how I wouldn't care if I was in a freak driving accident or something and died. Right after, I ran a red light without thinking. Oops? I didn't actively think about running it, I just did. I pulled over afterwards and just cried. I hate feeling this way. I want to go back to being five years old and being amazed by the fact that the sun rose each day, or that butterflies could fly. Why can't I have that again? Why do I feel the way I do, why do I cry when I wake up in the morning and realise I'm still alive. I jsut want to fall asleep and enver wake up. I'm tired of getting such little sleep at night. I'm tired of living. I'm tired of never being good at anything. I'm tired of being tired..goodbye."
"Ty is such a great guy. He deserves better than what I can give him. Everyone else can give him laughter and smiles, and I can only offer brokenness. Fix it, I cry, fix what nobodey else has been able to or has been willing to fix. Really, I'm not worth the time.
How can he make me feel better with a simple msile or a silly little text? "Hello, Sunshine," he says, and it's like I'm five years old again, mesmerised by butterflies and the rising sun. All those things should be insignificant but they mean the world to me. You know, he stayed up until 2 last night with me even though he normally falls asleep around 11. Austin wouldn't do that for me. He'd make everything about himself. He was right about one thing though – I am a jerk. I made everything about myself last night, didn't I? How I was so sad, how I was so ready to die, blah, blah, blah and so on and so forth. It's okay though. I realise that now. I'll be more careful next time. It won't be about me. It can't be about me. It's not fair to Ty. It should be about him. It's not natural to be about me. Nothing was ever meant to be about me. It's not that hard, knowing this fate. I've lived with it for so long it's difficult for me when things ARE about me. It's much easier to make everything about others. I like it being about others. It distracts me."