So I told M a little of how I felt in my last email.., I didn't tell her how much I fucken hate her right now, but I told her I was down and tired of pretending all is well and being nice and sweet. I told her that my life is not the Princess Fantasy she thinks it is.
Isn't it ironic how M has suffered with depression, yet she can't quite grasp how bad mine is? She thinks I'm just spoilt and lazy. She doesn't GET that I am in serious pain, that I can't seem to find the right meds, that I can't seem to get on my feet and it's nothing I am doing, it's all just this horrible disease. You would think of all people that she gets it. She doesn't.
I decided not to do my hair, as I've said. But I am starting to regretnot getting extensions. Ilook at myultra short hair each time I pass by the mirror andI hate it. I styled it cute (and it looked cute consideringthat itis so short)and took picsbut the guys on FB hate it. Good, fine. I don't want any of them anywayand the one guy I do want, just wants to be friends. So why spend all that money on my hairin order to pleasemen? It's silly. I will just let it grow because it's not gonna chance my situation. I am still fat and old either way.
Oh and another thing M said to me, the next day before she left. "I think you like being sad. You like to just sit and make yourself sadder.Its okay, you can just cry and eat chips all day." She didn't say that angrily, she said it like she was right and that is just the way things are. Then when I was crying she says, "Aww, just go look at your little trinkets and you will feel better."
Now I ask you who the fuck wants a friend who is going to constantly talk down toyou like that, not take you seriously and treat you like a fucken dog? I don't.
So the rest of the week will suck. I have to be up early in the morning because we have workers coming. I can't sleep well. If I fall asleep at night, I always wake up in the middle of the night several times. Or I have trouble falling asleep at all. The mornings are the only times I sleep. So I guess I'll have no sleep this week which will make me even more depressed and crazy. Great.