Oh gosh I am in such an incredibly sticky situation. I’m dating someone I’m not really in LIKE with. I love being with him and I'm physically attracted to him. He is super sweet (albeit a little too quiet), respectful of my physical boundaries, and has exercised an amazing amount of self-control. But there are no butterflies, no tinglies, no spark, no "I just want to sit and stare into your eyes all night" feelings for him.
We started going out last week and decided to be boyfriend and girlfriend even though we know we’re going to break up in two months (he’s graduating from college and moving). But even if he wasn’t moving, I don’t see “us” being long-term because there's a) not enough like and b) he's not that strong a Christian.
Last night he mentioned he would love to kiss me someday and I realized if I’m his girlfriend, I should do that. We’ve only been officially dating for a week but we’ve been hanging out and cuddling for 4 weeks (having the "just friends" label was too confusing when the cuddling got started and it was hard to go back). I haven’t kissed him yet because I haven’t kissed anyone and I figure the first time I kiss someone it should be someone I’m madly in love with, not just someone my body is craving and just because everyone else has done it and I need to get out and experience life. I mean, I already know there would be no sparks because there are no sparks when we cuddle – it’s just comforting for me to be held – and that just doesn’t seem like how I want my first kiss to be.
I know right now I am leading him on and I should break up with him because he is obviously developing feelings for me. But I don’t want to give him up. I just absolutely can’t bear the thought of it. If I do, I will go back to being alone again, back to where I have absolutely no one in this world who thinks I’m something special. And I really can’t handle that again. Maybe if I had friends to hang out with I could face life alone. But I don’t even have girl friends to turn to and talk to and just cry on their shoulder when the nights of loneliness completely overtake me. Everyone is too busy with their own boyfriends, fiances, husbands. Or they if they ARE single, they only care about me in the substance of an email or IM message. Nothing face-to-face, and it's the face-to-face that I need to make it. I have enough internet "friends" to last me a lifetime.
But I know at the same time I’m just settling for this guy, that he’s not the one God has for me. God gave me a vision a couple weeks ago before I got in this relationship about that. In it, He was working on this beautiful golden gift for me, fashioning every nook and cranny with such great care it was taking Him years and years to finish it. But then, as He turned away from His carpentry station and put down His chisel to take a break, He saw me, weary of waiting, running off with a piece of aluminum, saying that His gift was taking too long and probably wouldn’t be good anyway. And the sadness that I felt coming from His eyes as He looked on me hurt my very being. It was so raw and intense I swear He could've been standing right there in the room with me. But I also couldn’t bear the thought of being alone anymore. I knew that maybe maybe because I was messing around with some random guy for these two months, God would have to take a break and stop working on His gift for me.
And I know deep down in the end, it would be better to be with someone I'm really in love with – experiencing all those firsts with someone I'm in love with. But the pain and sadness of being alone and waiting for him to come along even more years than I already have (almost 27 now), that just seems too unbearable.
Maybe I could make it alone if I locked myself up in a room barred away from life. Actually, I've already tried that, not going to church or Bible study or anywhere but work for these last 4 months. But even with isolating myself and avoiding people I haven't been able to get away from the internet's daily changing statuses of "I'm happily in love and about to be married," and I can't make it with that stuff being constantly shoved in my face. Maybe I should just become a nun, but I'm not Catholic.
And going back to being just his friend doesn’t seem to work either. I mean, what's so bad about cuddling anyway? Yet I know in my head cuddling is just a temporary fix and I'm already getting bored with it. Already I'm wanting more and I know those desires are self-destructive.
I know God needs to be the one to fulfill me, but the task of putting Him in that position in my life seems too overwhelmingly huge and there is no possible way I can do it in time to be able to go out tomorrow and face everyone else’s happy smiley “I’m in love” face. And in the same token, I know it's going to be FOREVER before the guy God's got for me ever comes into my life because I know I'm far from ever being the person I need to be for him to notice me.
So, I give in. I know that in two months when my boyfriend moves, I'll be back to where I was and probably worse off as I'll have finally seen what it was like to have someone care about me and have lost it. But I don't know what else to do. All I know is I can't make it alone anymore.