I bet you all thought I fell right off the Earth, didn't you?
Well, it hasn't been anything like that….nothing that exciting!
It's been a week since I last posted, and in fact, I intended to do a post today, but have not gotten to it, and so I hang up this little note for you all, in case you are wondering what happened to Greg….
Strange week, progress in some things, backsliding in others, generally, "same place" as when you last heard from me, it's just that some of the "puzzle pieces" have been "moved around" some!
Work with my therapist has gone off on a sidetrack for the moment, so I am not getting to address the OCD stuff with her and work on that, so I am just shuffling through with it at the present. Off onto other behavioral stuff with her, and she thinks it is MUCH more important to address some of those issues even before the OCD stuff, and try to get myself "stable in my place" and "stable with myself vs others" before dealing with the collecting, hoarding, spending hours and hours "thinking through" and "working through" things that really are backseat stuff to what I really need to do for myself, now.
One of which, is to get my place picked up, cleaned out, everything put away orderly and neat, where I can easily find things to use when I want them, etc., and to start cooking regularly and eating regularly, eating balanced meals again, etc, and also going to bed regularly, waking up regularly, organizing my day (even if I have to use an hourly appointment book to do so), and get myself back on track again, and see if I can get my life into some shape that means something, and has substance, purpose, and usefulness in it again. My God, when I was working, I worked for about 14 hours a day every day, came home, cooked, ate, cleaned up, listened to music or watched a movie or tv, or read every night, bathed before bed, shaved every day, all that good stuff, slept enough, and got up and went to work the next day, all over again, day in and day out……
Eight years of this disability/social security/not working stuff has made me, literally "paralyzed " or something like it… "useless" or something….I can't keep myself cleaned up regularly, nor my place, nor can I find the energy or will within myself to do these things….after working as hard as I did all my life, wouldn't one think that I would feel so "enlightened" by only having the burdon of taking care of my immediate space, my two cats, and food on the table, etc. God, that's not even 1/12 of what I used to do, and yet, I cannot seem to "do it".
So, anyway, I must cut this short at the moment, and go get something cooked for supper…I have not eaten since breakfast yesterday, nor have I taken my medications (I know, bad Greg) and vitamins, etc., or washed for 3 days….have not shaved for weeks…I'm a mess, but still can't seem to "get to it"…..
And, of course, there is more here (there always is, isn't there?) than "meets the eye"….I am SO very lonely, and SO want someone in my life again…someone to share myself and all my things with, do things together with, talk to, "educate" each other to each's ways, thoughts, feelings….to do things for, to "be" with, snuggle with, to love! I've been looking for an awfully long time, and am beginning to wonder if the reason I can't seem to find someone has something to do with all the OCD stuff, or other complications from it, or whatever…I don't know…. All I know is I will be 61 soon, and I just don't want to be all alone anymore…what is the point of all I have, all I "do", all the knowledge, etc., that I have…with nobody to share it with, talk and converse with….I have a heart bigger than Texas, I swear, and nobody to open it to, and give to from it….how damned sad, I ask you, is that?
I basically have no family any more…mom passed away (that's why I am living back in Maine again…I came back to help care for her, and I have not "found my way" out of here again yet), and my only brother "cannot associate with me" because I'm a F***ing Queer (and worse in addition has come from his lips), his wife is a religious bible-thumping and gospel reciting Wacko, who is, actually no use to herself or anyone else. I have their son, my only "close" relative (who loves me very much, btw, and my lifestyle does not bother him at all, nor his wife, so I could be close to them…except, my brother is always there, so it makes things SO uncomfortable having to "fit" in between everyone, you know? Beyond that, I have one cousin about 3 hours north of here, who I cannot get to see, because my vehicle is old, unreliable for a long distance, and I cannot afford the price of gas and tolls for such a trip, either.
So, folks, sounds like a good recipe for what…depression? Is there something else….going on, too, along with it? I have no idea, and cannot, at the moment, fathom my way out of a paper bag, or at least that is what I feel.
If anyone has any "great ideas" by all means, please get in touch…..you guys, I feel, might be as much support in many ways or more than my counselor(s).
So, Bye for now, everyone,