Seems this is my last resort arena. I have not been here for a while, and I only come because I do not want to burden anyone I know with the mental struggles in my life. Some of my friends know, really know, what I am going through. They understand because of their own mental struggle. Because of this, I don't feel that I can go to them. My other friends and family that have not been dealt this hand care, but do not know what to say, and sometimes, it is not what they say, but the lack of conversation is what I need. However, I am back here. Ironic though… I come here because I know that there are those here that understand. There seems to be little judgement, and sometimes a word of encouragement, but even here my friends are sparse. This is my own doing. I have spent a lot of energy trying to not be in this crowd.. I want to deny this is me. Today, I am all that mess and more.

Today.. crying for no reason.. utter sadness that cannot be explained away.. so many things things to do and feeling buried under the responsibility of it. I am immobilized by the amount of what needs to be done and this adds to my lack of mobility. I just want to feel like others do. I even went to my garden and planted some things, pulled weeds and watered a little. Being out there jsut added to my mental to do list. Seeing what the wind has brought in.. I need to be more.. more of a mom, more of a homemaker, more of a worker. I KNOW what needs to be done! Why can I not just do it?!

Someone told me I should just go get medicated. I believe that drugs are not for me. I feel like I have to be defensive…

more tears as I yell at mysyelf to get a grip. Must find a way..

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