Tomorrow my wife leaves while i am at work cuz she could no longer deal with my ocd and bi-polar. I kinda wish i was paranoid and made up her reasons but Im not. She actually said it was one of the reasons. We have been together for 11yrs and married for 6.5yrs and she said she feels like her twenties were taken from her because she has spent the last 8yrs taking care of me and the last 2 it got worse (there was a car wreck that involved things im not ready too discuss after two yrs, it is was kicked my ocd into overdrive) because she says she became bitter and angry and hated her self for it. She said this seperation (she refuses to promise me she'll come back and actually sugested i get a roommate 🙁 ) is going to be good for both of us and she thinks i should be excited to live on my own and do stuff purely for myself. I think if i didnt have the conditions i have then that might be true but i am terrified.
I am confused and angry with myself though because i cant get mad at her or do anything but console her because she feels like a horrible person and that she is worried ill hurt myself (not just suicide but i used to burn myself and everyonce in a while i punch concrete floors too see how mangled i can make my hand look before i break it… the hand thing has turned into a compulsion that pops up every once in awhile when i am so stressed that the hallucinations come back and I go hypomanic, I use the pain to stop my thoughts from racing, but i have to hit the same spot on the floor at the same angle and the same number of times at least so many times a day. Its annoying but my pain threshhold is super high now… anyway i got off track. Oh yeah, I am confused and angry because i cant feel anything about losing the love of my life and the person who has supported me through everything up to this point. All i can do is think about is how on Saturday when i return home from work every single routine will be obliterated. Absolutely no chance to slowly change anything… I feel bad cuz i think she thinks that i sm only my ocd and have never cared about her (one main factor is i dont feel emotions correctly because of the ocd, I dont care when people die, I basically only feel compassion towards dogs. I never knew that until my doctor pointed it out. I also found out tues in therapy (my wife insisted on coming to make sure i filled the therapist in on recent events even though i have asked her a thousand times to come) that i am the worst case she has seen before (i feel like im bragging sorry). It was good because my wife finally realized just how bad off i am and has been more nice and helpfull about than she ever has been before… Ok this is too long of a blog ill end it.. I am trying my hardest not to do it but im unfortunately accepted the fact that my hand will be broken by monday and that really really sucks cuz i write with that hand and am training to be a electrician and it will be hard to continue my classes. Ok, im done now.