A storm was closing in, as I was trying to get home.  I don’t know what I’ve done to the font, or how to undo it at the moment - all apologies, haha, I am stuck using the guppy   (a little netbook) to blog, because my pc is still down (pending certain attempts too fix it - I intend to deal with it, after the storm passes, when I can plug it back in.  The electrical storms around here are so bad, I won’t chance leaving it plugged in, and everything I have to do will take to long to rely on the battery - the thing is functioning in slow motion, as is.  Charlie seemed annoyed that I was typing away - he’s now on the back porch, smoking, and perhaps, pouting.  Had a nice breakfast, but

(haha, and I don’t know how I fixed the font, either.)  I can never eat a lot of heavy foods in hot, humid weather, and my old a.c. unit is not cutting it.  At least buying a new one isn’t as daunting now that I don’t blow all my money on smack.  My cat was worrying me, with his allergies, but after a trip to the vet, he is steadily improving – he needed a steroid.  They wanted me to give him pills, but I explained that with my little kitty version of kujo, that is simply not an option.   So, we got a liquid.  

I don’t know what I am doing half the time.  I am going to see a third shrink tomorrow.  I have agreed to go along if he backs up either of the other two.  If I hear a completely different answer…  I guess, it will depend on how well explained the answer is, and if it makes sense.  Scary…

Charlie is laying down with his eyes closed.  We’re listening to Wilco, now.  It’s hot and sticky.  He’s been trying really hard to get along with me, today.  This ping pong act has me off balance.  Could that be the idea?  Probably not…  he’s been devious in the past, but so have I – we are ex junkies.  He’s probably just being unstable, at present.

Had to skip a song – I cannot listen to Wilco’s "Shot In The Arm," yet – maybe, never again, who knows?  Not the biggest lost – it’s not their best work or anything (haha).   I generally adore Wilco.  They were just one of those bands – brilliant lyrics, beautiful music…  it all just comes together so perfectly, and it really takes you somewhere.  The acoustic version of "Summerteeth" is on my playlist, on my page, and it is absolutely beautiful.  Everyone should check it out, if they have the time – Jeff Tweedy is amazing.

I woke up wanting heroin – I was in pain, and sick.  I also wanted to fight the impulse.  It was like my nerve receptors were screaming, "NOW – this is only gonna get worse!"  And, the rest of my brain was like, "To hell with you and your lies.  I can try to sit and smoke this out."  And, I was able to do so.

I feel much better, now, and I am very glad that I have fought through all the recent tests of my determination (mania, Charlie’s inexplicable mood swings, illness, finding dope under the bed, ect.)

You’d think that this weather would break the heat.

There’s a lot I want to get done in the next few days.  I usually get less done with Charlie around (even though the opposite should be true), and he’s here today and tomorrow. 

My cat is shedding everywhere – madness.

I feel more myself than I have in ages.  I forgot how spunky I could be – how lively I normally am.  I am coming back to life, slowly, as if some spell is wearing off, or I am shaking off the haze of a coma.  It’s insane, but I can see myself emerging, in scattered moments – I just see myself more clearly, and think, "that’s right – I used to be like that."  It’s just been so long.  I’ve barely been an adult without heroin.  I was so young when it started, and I feel so old sometimes, now.  Not as old as I felt when I was strung…

I do plan to beat this.

Today I will fight the good fight, and win or lose, I fight another tomorrow.  And, that’s how it’s gotta be, until it isn’t as much of a fight.  It’s already much easier than it was in the beginning – and I am already seeing some of the benefits, and that REALLY helps.

There are still ways that I feel out of control, but that’s for later (if I can get into it, here, at all). 

Much love, kitty cats!


1 Comment
  1. jeneva5 12 years ago

    Good for you!  You should be proud of yourself for resisting the urge to use!  Stay strong! 

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