I am not really in a depressed mood, but i am just kind of just in a nonchalant mood at the moment. A good friend of mine and her husband just had their first baby, and i am so happy for them, because they had been trying for so long and God finally answered their prayers. and i am happy for them. But sometimes during times like this , I get really emotional because even though i am not actively seeking a relationship, part of me wants to be in one, but then again i don't want to go through the heartache of being hurt again, I love kids but never saw myself as a mom. I don't think I would be a good mom, and after hearing it over and over and over about how crazy i am and that i would kill my child if i had one, i started believing it, i would never hurt a child, but i am not mother material, at all. i don't think i have the patience. But i love to see couples such as my friend and her husband so happy…it actually brought tears to my eyes after seeing the pics, because i know how it feels to pray for something for so long and when God answers it..it is great. but in my situation, all i am praying for IS PEACE WITHIN, the ability to live on and love myself again. I want to realize that i don't have to be in a relationship or have one to be happy, maybe love is not for me, and I will be so glad when God gives me healing from this…I am even relocating to get away from the hurt and pain i felt for so long, i want to go away where i am just an individual and no one knows me. Sorry for rambling, i just had to get that off my chest take care


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