I never thought that I would be joining a website and talking to strangers about my feelings, its almost easier this way. You see this way I don't feel weak as i would if i were talking to family members or friends, I gave up on that though because sure you receive feedback and maybe a sense of direction but i feel like they are too busy with their own lives to actually help in some way. I just don't know what to do with myself anymore, i feel like i am going backwards or almost as if im stuck while all the people around me are accomplishing things and moving forward in their lives, starting careers working for the future when i feel like i am working for nothing and it doesnt matter what i do i can never stay on top of things. I have always been really hard on myself probably because I am the middle child of 3 girls and it was always a competition or whatever so I just faded out did my own thing right from the age of three. Being alone is my therapy but being alone is also when all my enemies and demons haunt me. The stress builds up and i become weak and i cry and i plot ways to make things better but then something new comes along and once again im in the black hole. somedays i burst into tears for no reason or I freak out because something isnt going right and i stress out to the point where i cant sleep, i dwell on things until my mind is numb and then i eventually fall asleep. Im tired of pretending everythings okay. I am in costume, disguise, the smile on my face is ten miles wide, but the darkness i hold inside is swallowing the light. somebody say something please.