I never thought that I would be joining a website and talking to strangers about my feelings, its almost easier this way. You see this way I don't feel weak as i would if i were talking to family members or friends, I gave up on that though because sure you receive feedback and maybe a sense of direction but i feel like they are too busy with their own lives to actually help in some way. I just don't know what to do with myself anymore, i feel like i am going backwards or almost as if im stuck while all the people around me are accomplishing things and moving forward in their lives, starting careers working for the future when i feel like i am working for nothing and it doesnt matter what i do i can never stay on top of things. I have always been really hard on myself probably because I am the middle child of 3 girls and it was always a competition or whatever so I just faded out did my own thing right from the age of three. Being alone is my therapy but being alone is also when all my enemies and demons haunt me. The stress builds up and i become weak and i cry and i plot ways to make things better but then something new comes along and once again im in the black hole. somedays i burst into tears for no reason or I freak out because something isnt going right and i stress out to the point where i cant sleep, i dwell on things until my mind is numb and then i eventually fall asleep. Im tired of pretending everythings okay. I am in costume, disguise, the smile on my face is ten miles wide, but the darkness i hold inside is swallowing the light.  somebody say something please.

2 Comments
  1. Dancer 10 years ago

    can so relate to what you say……..

    i find this website is the one place i can open up  and be myself…..

    i find i am isolating myself more and more……

    living a life of pretence …..being the person that everyone expects

    but inside there is this pit of darkness….full of negative thoughts and unhappiness…. 

    Believe me …you are not alone……and when i read blogs like yours

    it reminds me that i am not going crazy……i just suffer from this damn illness

    called depression

    try and hold onto the good thoughts…….that little bit of brightness is there

    all we gotta do is find it……and never let it go…….

     

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  2. thendara_moon 10 years ago

    I understand what you are saying.  Its actually called masking.  Before I learned this in the hospital I always said I was wearing a mask around people.  I remember feeling like the mask was cracking.  Then it did and I was in such a dark place and have been there for a few years. I am honestly am feeling better lately but I don't really trust it.  It has been a long hard road with suicide attepts and hospitalizations and therapy (which I am still in).  Are you in therapy?  If not you should find a good therapist that you like and fell comfortable with and if you don't feel that way about them, try someone else, the right person is key.  I really do understand what you are saying…its like a crazy spiral.  You feel all these negative feelings and you beat yourself up for feeling them and all the while you are trying to keep this facade that everything is relatively ok (I say relatively because you don't think people are noticing that something is going on, but they are).  Its exhausting.  Hang in there as hard as it is and seek therapy.  Please feel free to friend request me and message me anytime.  *this thing needs spell check*

    Kelly

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