Hello. I dont know how to start this but hey here goes. A little about me first. Im a 30 yr old bi man living on the most forgotten piece of America. The Eastern Shore of Virginia. I suffer from just the worst case of depression that causes me to not take care of myself. The way I tell people when I want to be quick with my introduction is I was raped for months on end when I was 5. That event prepared me mentally for the next 20 years of bullshit.
I truly dont like being alive. I’ve only struggled to move forward. For my age group I’m doing better than my peers. Which is sad because I live in poverty. I mean I’ve clawed and scraped my way to still being poor and by economic metrics im doing well because over half the people my age are doing it worse.
The only solace I’ve found is in my dog. Companionship does miracles for the soul. However he’s now getting up there in years. I feel now as I look at him while I type this that his last day and mine will be the same. I just dont see any scenario where I continue marching forward alone.
To make matters worse is the fact that I have not taken care of myself. While I have character for days, its my only positive attribute. Ive ballooned to 390 lbs. Im losing teeth left and right. I can’t fix them or get dentures to hide it because I cant afford to. I have to wear the nerves away with my toothbrush when each tooth wears away enough. I dont have a car which is probably a good thing as I’ve developed a drinking problem.
I need someone to love. I need someone to love me. But I know from the outside in Im not the guy men or women want. Who can blame ’em. But there lies the problem. I don’t take care of myself because I have no reason to go on living and I probably wont find that reason because it would take an extraordinary person to see past my bullshit.
So here I sit. Typing this out. Not because I think any of this is worth it. But because my friend who found this site to try to help me wants me to try.
So hello world. Welcome to me.