i really dunno where this one’s going, but i do know i’m increasingly frustrated, still.  This morning, already, i’ve ‘blown up’ at Marty, though some days, i think he needs to know how frustrating he can be.  *sigh Regardless, i raised my voice and said a bad word (bad word!  lol), and then just went over–in the dark–to work on laundry, before 6am.  Once i was finished in the laundry room, Marty came over and walked with me back to the apartment, just as he’d done on the way to.  Then, he wanted–kept kinda nagging, again–for me to join him for a walk.  So, we went for a walk–not tooo long, really, since the sun’s out and it’s already heating up with the humidity–and when we were walking back to the apartment, one of our neighbors sped through the parking lot, doing her normal routine…..  So, we walked back over to the office, before coming in to the apartment, finally.  There’s just no sense in people going so fast through the complex, especially when there’s so many toddlers and kids, who tend to be outside playing, at different times….  Safety should be an issue, before someone winds up getting killed.  Do i feel any better?  No…not so much.  i fed the critters, again this morning, and made sure they had fresh water out….  But, inside, i just feel like….well….plainly:  i don’t matter.  Yes, i know i do a lot for others, and that tends to be a huge life-safer, at times.  But, is it really???  i mean, am i just enabling?  Am i just being an obstacle?  Guess i’m just gonna have to figure that out for myself–jolly.  Either way, i guess i’m still kinda tired of life…..Life…..lol  Ain’t that funny?  i keep trying to make subtle adjustments–or at least change some of my behaviors so i can cope better?  go through each day a lil less…painfully?  i mean, i still feel the ‘sting’ of loss, all the time–for Shelby, for my own ignorance, for so much i’ve lost with both my kids and Gabe.  *sigh  But, like usual, there’s not a lot i can do about any of that.  i mean, Shelby and i were reconnecting, around 6 months before THAT day happened, so i have to be grateful for that.  Petey, on the other hand, has not really spoken to me, since 2012–and even then, he wasn’t ‘free’ to say what he wanted.  i left pedro–not my kids!!!!!  But, he and his parents….filled my kids’ heads with whatever they felt they could, so i have no idea what kind of lies they spewed.  *sigh  i also know they’ve leaked over onto Shelby’s fiance’ and his father…which means Gabe’s been misinformed, as well.  Again: not much i can do about any of that, especially since i can’t even get either of the “adults” to respond to me.  (It’s been over a year, now!!)  i don’t even know how Gabe’s doing, or ‘if’ he’s doing–*sigh  i have to be able to get me to a “place,” where i can emotionally tackle them–all of them, if need be.  So….i keep trying?  i mean, i can’t even pay for my appointments, and for now, i’m still going to therapy and check-ups.  My primary care provider also found a ‘mole,’ she didn’t like the looks of, and wants to keep a check on….So, i had Marty take a pic of it, last night, so i can see what they see–it’s on my ear.  *sigh  –Always something.  i know.  But, i have to keep trying to push forward, right????!!!!  If i stop now, what will it prove?  They were right?  i was never meant to reconnect with ‘my boys’?  –i refuse to believe that–So, keep on, i must.

 

 

 

 

2 Comments
  1. sullengirl76 2 years ago

    Just keep swimming. You’ve got this!

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