Its really bad when you really need to talk about how you are feeling but you can't talk to your friends and family for one reason or another and your afraid to put things on the internet because future emplyers may see it and not want you. We are told not to judge our selves compared to other people. But the world is judging us compared to other people, and if we want some thing from the world we have to play by it rules.
Sometimes I wonder if I am actually human. I will be doing the dishes (or some other random action) and my neck will creak like a screen door or I will be listening to some one talk about what ever faith/religion they have and my brain will point out all the illogical points of it. I get this urge to take a knife and try to peel off my face to see if there is bone or metal underneath it. I once tryed to but out a metal sparkler in the palm of my hand. it went out after a while leaving my hand smelling like burnt hair and a tiny hole in the center of my hand. It healed with out a trace but I still look at my palm, looking for some sign that that was actually my memory. I have memories from before I was 8, but they all feel forgien, as if the memories and feelings were some one elses and I was just shown them.
I have three people I call friends but they rarely contact me unless they want something. One of them I sometimes want to strangle with a guitar wire. But if I drive them away, I will be alone in a world full of people who by their nature will destroy me.
I am surrounded by examples of my inadequacies.
If I fall apart I don't want to come back, and I think I am falling.