I've got a lot of bitter and depressive and slef-absorbed things floating around in my head right now. I was thinking about how there is something about waiting to be let into a door by passerby that is very sad. I was also thinking that if I had to die somewhere poetically it would be right there. I feel so helpless and desperate outside a locked door.

Greg has an idea about letting people in to doors, that if there is another way to get in, and its just that it takes more effort the other way, then he won't oblige by opening the door, because they are being lazy and he won't support it. I guess what complicates my desperation is how, like a moment ago, I often take one door to avoid a scary place near the other door. I feel that there is an unspoken feeling or opinion from everyone else that, in these situations where I am perceived to have other options, I am only being lazy, as Greg feels. That idea–which could be purely imaginary–broadens my mixture of bad feelings to include frustration and anger towards probably innocent onlookers.

I could draw lots of parallels between how I feel outside of locked doors and how I feel when any of my obsessive compulsively induced actions are on display. Except, while its probably mostly in my head in the former case, the latter case and how it causes people to reflect badly on me and my character has been established and proven and reproven. I am late often because I wash too long and too excessively, I often appear lazy when I feel restricted to only certain areas for fear of contamination, and in many of my bathroom habits, I appear wasteful when I am only horribly preoccupied with not being dirty.  And many times, I feel that the people close to me think I am weak, emotionally or mentally, for being trapped in those stupid compulsions.

My father blamed me for my OCD symptoms in a pretty outright way. Aside from displaying his exasperation with my failings with the disorder as yelling and faces, he would try and talk to me in a way that he must have thought was disarming and fair. He would admit that he did not have OCD, but he would say that he thinks in a very OCD-like way, and the problems I'm having can be controlled with a tiny bit of effort, and that OCD is actually a good thing, and I should use the OCD to make good habits for myself to follow.

I'm having trouble posting this blog, so I'll have to try and stop now.

1 Comment
  1. yummyjellygoo 11 years ago

    Thank you Elsie, I will definitely keep hanging on, and you need to as well!

    And thank you, Lenotra, because of the writing compliment!

    I'm sorry to hear that either of you identify with it, but it also makes me feel better ; ) The impressions that family have of us carry a lot of weight I guess.

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