I got to sleep in again this morning and it felt good until I got up and then it's like taking off your pj's and the goodness comes off with them and putting on clothes was putting on the depression.  I turned down my grandson from doing things I normally do with him by saying not right now well the now never came and I still haven't played with him.   I hate feeling like this, like nothing matters.  I sat here and read some blogs and for a while it distracted me from how I was feeling.  I went into chat but they were all happy and joking so I didn't belong there either, would talk but no one would respond so I felt ignored.  I wrote a couple of letters hoping that would make me feel good but no, not this time.  I have so many things I could be doing since I'm free this weekend and not babysitting but I'm just not motivated.  Some of the blogs I read talked about self harm and it got me thinking of when I did it, how the release just made me feel a little better seeing those thoughts flow out but I can't do that, I've been clean for 4yrs now from that and drinking.  I don't want to ruin that now but what do you do when the depression has you so badly you just can't function?  I even decided to watch some TV but when I didn't find anything to watch guess what I did?  I cried like a baby.  My daughter had a wedding to go to and asked if I wanted to go with her and her boyfriend and I said no, that just wasn't the place for me today everyone being so happy, laughing and having a good time,  nope and I resented the fact I couldn't let myself.  Now it's just me and Landon here, he's playing video games and having such fun and I don't even want to be  in the same room now how awful is that?  I want to talk to someone and I know  I have people in here who have offered to let me vent but all I think I'd do is cry and how could I explain this feeling?


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